When I sat in my psychiatrists office a year ago, explaining my desire to come off medicine, her reaction was exactly what I expected. A worried look. A flip through my file. Another even more worried look. She said something along the lines of:
"People like you, who have been on medication for so long, have such a long history of illness, who have close family members who also struggle with illness, there is very little success in coming off of the medication. Sometimes they make it 6 months and it is around this time that they relapse. It is much more common to relapse than to succeed."
I nodded because I already knew all this, and I assured her I was sure I wanted to try. She asked me what I had in my life that I thought might make me successful and I just said "God". She smiled a small, professional smile, and that was the last time I saw Dr. Fatakiva.
It is nothing less than a miracle that I have been off of medication for a year. Statistically, this should not have occurred. It isn't because it has been easy, it isn't because I am lucky, and it isn't because I am some extraordinarily strong human. It is really just because God.
To be completely open (which I didn't intend on being as a started this blog), I think my mental health issues in and of themselves had grown into something a little closer to OCD than generalized anxiety over the years. In fact I would venture to say that perhaps that should have been part of the initial diagnosis but hey, who am I? I don't worry about everything, I don't make all little things big. What I do is obsess about one thing: my health. This obsession is followed by catastrophic thinking in which I am dropping dead, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, being pulled out of a car by the jaws of life, etc. The catastrophic thinking is sometimes followed with compulsions, sometimes not. Google is a big compulsion for me as I have spent an embarrassingly large portion of time researching diseases and sicknesses that I have never had. I am Google medicine- tell me your symptoms and without hesitation I can list what may or may not be wrong with you from a virus to neuroblastoma. Why do I even know that word? Going home is another compulsion. If I am out and start in this process of catastrophic thinking my knee jerk reaction is to go home (or not leave home if that is where the thinking begins). Or to speak to my mom. Talking to my mom started because she struggles with panic also, so talking to her was comfortable in that I knew she understood my crazy. I think over the years it has become a compulsion because I tell myself that if I can talk to her, I will be okay, rather than just desiring the comfort that comes from talking to her.
I don't think I have ever blatantly admitted this. I say "anxiety and panic" because those things are true, but telling people that for absolutely no reason at all I have an overwhelming and sometimes debilitating fear of dropping dead really just paints a whole new kind of bonkers. The kind of bonkers you see on that show "Obsessed" on TV. I have seen myself on that show more than once.
I am saying all this to make sure you understand that I really SHOULD need drugs. My mind has not worked right for about half of my life. Technically longer if you consider that my first panic attack occurred when I was about 10. It would make total sense for me to fall in line with every other statistic, no one would be surprised, myself included.
But God.
This is miracle number one.
Now, I need miracle number two.
I have mostly only survived a lot of this year. I have had days and maybe full weeks where I was thriving, but more often than not I have been actively engaged in what feels like a losing battle to overcome the whole catastrophic thoughts thing. The fact that I generally function through what is occurring in my head is clearly God, but I know that just functioning and surviving are not what He has for me. When I came off the meds it was because I felt an undeniable urge from God to trust Him with that issue. I did, and He showed up.
Now, I need Him to work with me hardcore on really, honestly, once and for all renewing my mind.
I resigned myself to always struggling with toxic thinking because it is so much a part of how I work that I couldn't imagine anything else. I have even gone so far as convincing myself that maybe some of it was from God, as a way to keep me humble.
Unfortunatly I simply cannot believe those things anymore.
I am not a prosperity Gospel kind of girl. Life is hard and yeah God is on your side but He is also on everyone else's side cause we are all His kids. I don't think "Gods best" means an easy, happy life. I think it means whatever will further the kingdom and quite honestly that could in the natural look not so hot particularly considering the broken world we live in. Although I do believe this theology is true, I have allowed it to make me pessimistic and fearful rather than optimistic and trusting.
I don't know what life will bring to me. I see people suffer enormous losses all the time. Who am I to assume I won't one day? I understand the reality of life and hardship to a point that I am more focused on that than the fact that God is Lord of ALL of it.
So here is where I am at. I have made it a year without drugs (daily drugs- to keep it completely real I do have Xanax that I take as needed which is very little but I am not trying to lie to you people). Now I want a year of restoration. I want my thinking to change. I want to replace catastrophic thinking with scripture about Gods goodness and promises despite what I see and feel. I want to control my thoughts rather than my thoughts controlling me.
And I am gonna do it. Me and God are bout to do work and this time next year I will be blogging about miracle number two coming to pass. I will not just survive this the rest of my life- I will conquer it.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
-2 Timothy 1:7
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally,
brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is
right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if
anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:4-8
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
-Romans 12:2
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