30 Days: Day 5- Miracle Number 2

When I sat in my psychiatrists office a year ago, explaining my desire to come off medicine, her reaction was exactly what I expected. A worried look. A flip through my file. Another even more worried look. She said something along the lines of:

"People like you, who have been on medication for so long, have such a long history of illness, who have close family members who also struggle with illness, there is very little success in coming off of the medication. Sometimes they make it 6 months and it is around this time that they relapse. It is much more common to relapse than to succeed."

I nodded because I already knew all this, and I assured her I was sure I wanted to try. She asked me what I had in my life that I thought might make me successful and I just said "God". She smiled a small, professional smile, and that was the last time I saw Dr. Fatakiva.

It is nothing less than a miracle that I have been off of medication for a year. Statistically, this should not have occurred. It isn't because it has been easy, it isn't because I am lucky, and it isn't because I am some extraordinarily strong human. It is really just because God.

To be completely open (which I didn't intend on being as a started this blog), I think my mental health issues in and of themselves had grown into something a little closer to OCD than generalized anxiety over the years. In fact I would venture to say that perhaps that should have been part of the initial diagnosis but hey, who am I? I don't worry about everything, I don't make all little things big. What I do is obsess about one thing: my health. This obsession is followed by catastrophic thinking in which I am dropping dead, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, being pulled out of a car by the jaws of life, etc. The catastrophic thinking is sometimes followed with compulsions, sometimes not. Google is a big compulsion for me as I have spent an embarrassingly large portion of time researching diseases and sicknesses that I have never had. I am Google medicine- tell me your symptoms and without hesitation I can list what may or may not be wrong with you from a virus to neuroblastoma. Why do I even know that word? Going home is another compulsion. If I am out and start in this process of catastrophic thinking my knee jerk reaction is to go home (or not leave home if that is where the thinking begins). Or to speak to my mom. Talking to my mom started because she struggles with panic also, so talking to her was comfortable in that I knew she understood my crazy. I think over the years it has become a compulsion because I tell myself that if I can talk to her, I will be okay, rather than just desiring the comfort that comes from talking to her.

I don't think I have ever blatantly admitted this. I say "anxiety and panic" because those things are true, but telling people that for absolutely no reason at all I have an overwhelming and sometimes debilitating fear of dropping dead really just paints a whole new kind of bonkers. The kind of bonkers you see on that show "Obsessed" on TV. I have seen myself on that show more than once.

I am saying all this to make sure you understand that I really SHOULD need drugs. My mind has not worked right for about half of my life. Technically longer if you consider that my first panic attack occurred when I was about 10. It would make total sense for me to fall in line with every other statistic, no one would be surprised, myself included.

But God.

This is miracle number one.

Now, I need miracle number two.

I have mostly only survived a lot of this year. I have had days and maybe full weeks where I was thriving, but more often than not I have been actively engaged in what feels like a losing battle to overcome the whole catastrophic thoughts thing. The fact that I generally function through what is occurring in my head is clearly God, but I know that just functioning and surviving are not what He has for me. When I came off the meds it was because I felt an undeniable urge from God to trust Him with that issue. I did, and He showed up.

Now, I need Him to work with me hardcore on really, honestly, once and for all renewing my mind.

I resigned myself to always struggling with toxic thinking because it is so much a part of how I work that I couldn't imagine anything else. I have even gone so far as convincing myself that maybe some of it was from God, as a way to keep me humble.

Unfortunatly I simply cannot believe those things anymore.

I am not a prosperity Gospel kind of girl. Life is hard and yeah God is on your side but He is also on everyone else's side cause we are all His kids. I don't think "Gods best" means an easy, happy life. I think it means whatever will further the kingdom and quite honestly that could in the natural look not so hot particularly considering the broken world we live in. Although I do believe this theology is true, I have allowed it to make me pessimistic and fearful rather than optimistic and trusting.

I don't know what life will bring to me. I see people suffer enormous losses all the time. Who am I to assume I won't one day? I understand the reality of life and hardship to a point that I am more focused on that than the fact that God is Lord of ALL of it.

So here is where I am at. I have made it a year without drugs (daily drugs- to keep it completely real I do have Xanax that I take as needed which is very little but I am not trying to lie to you people). Now I want a year of restoration. I want my thinking to change. I want to replace catastrophic thinking with scripture about Gods goodness and promises despite what I see and feel. I want to control my thoughts rather than my thoughts controlling me.

And I am gonna do it. Me and God are bout to do work and this time next year I will be blogging about miracle number two coming to pass. I will not just survive this the rest of my life- I will conquer it.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

^"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

-Philippians 4:4-8

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." 

-Romans 12:2

30 Days: Day 4- 10 Things I Really Like About Myself

Lets get right into this.

1. I am a really good listener.

I am as such because I am actually interested in what you have to say. I probably want to know way more about you than you will ever tell me. People genuinely interest me. I want to know about when you were little, your family, your experiences. I want to connect your dots. It's why I am a psych student. One of my own therapists called me a "seeker". Apparently seekers make good listeners.

2. I am kind.

I wasn't always kind. There was a time in my life where I had enough anger for me and you and about 20 other people. I don't think I was ever a real rotten person, at a heart level, but I certainly acted out as such more than once or twice. Growing in Jesus has really softened me. It is important to me that I am kind to everyone I come in contact with and even when I am flustered or short tempered I really work at maintaining an overall sense of calm and kindness.

3. I am forgiving.

I've had a lot to forgive. Really really big things and really small things. Some I had a harder time with than others, but for the most part I have been able to genuinely forgive those who have trespassed against me. I am hopeful that regardless of what comes my way I will continually be able to extend forgiveness to whomever requires it.

4. I am for real.

There is very little about who I am and why I am that I will not disclose. There were times that this "translucency" was more like "emotional leakage" and God has worked on me a lot in this area. I recognize when it is appropriate to share things and when it is not. That to say, I am happy to let you know where I am at in both the bad and good, and I am happy to share my own stories and struggles no matter the content.

5. I'm not afraid to be me.

This goes with number 4, only physically. I wear what I like, I do what I want. Love it or hate it, ain't nobody got time to care. 



6. I trust you till I don't and then I probably will again.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I assume you are good until proven bad, and even if you are proved bad I will generally go out of my way to continue to give you the benefit of the doubt. Don't get it twisted, I understand wisdom and won't be walked on, but I also understand grace and attempt to extend it continuously.

7. I am a thinker.

I don't take whatever information is thrown at me and run with it. I research and I ask questions and I work to understand things as best I can from more than one source or angle. This trait would also probably be on a list of 10 things I don't like about myself, simply because it can and does go a little bonkers.

8. I am creative.

I make neat things with my hands.

9. I am honest.

No lies. None. Zero. Your butt looks fat in the jeans.

10. I care about people with less than me.

I cannot will not do not ignore the fact that there are people with far less than I have and I do whatever I can, with every opportunity given to me, to give to them. I don't care why they have less, I don't care if they spend the $5 on beer, I care that my heart hurts for them and I trust that whatever I give God will find someway to use regardless of what I see or think.

Basically, God is awesome. He does good work in crazy, messed up, problematic folk, such as myself.

30 Days: Day 3- 10 Worst Pet Peeves

In no particular order, and I can almost guarantee this isn't going to be pretty, so if you can't read this and be friends with me even if you feel insulted, you should just stop now:

1. THE VACCINE THING: Okay. I haven't even started writing and I can feel my blood pressure rising. Here is the thing, I don't parade around writing and sharing articles about what a bad, irresponsible person you are for vaccinating your kids- despite my firm belief that they can be extremely harmful. I don't petition for children whose parents chose to vaccinate to be kept away from my children by fault of assumed stupidity. In fact, for someone with such strong opinions about the subject, I say very little or nothing, unless provoked. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS MY DAMN BUSINESS WHAT I PUT IN MY BODY OR MY KIDS BODIES. You are scared. I am sorry. But your irrational fears do not require my children be banned from school or anywhere else. This is America, where I am free to make the best, most educated decisions I can as to what goes into my body and my kids bodies and for those of you who think I should be forced to do anything under the hand of medical practitioners, you are even dumber than I originally thought. Until your kid has the damn measles, shut up.

2. OBSESSIONS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE AND THEIR BUSINESS: Stop it. Just. Stop it.

3. FLAKES: I know stuff happens occasionally and we all need grace for that, but if you commit to something, show up. Furthermore, don't be all, "OH EM GEE we should totally hang out!" and then never make time or constantly turn me down when I try to plan something. If you know you don't actually want to hang out or have time to do so, don't say it.

4. LOUD: I am so sensitive to sound. I need everyone to remember what inside voices are and use them. (Note: My entire family has missed this memo.)

5. ONE SIDED CONVERSATIONS: Again, we all need to talk about ourselves sometimes. It's cool, I am a seriously awesome listener because I really am interested in you. But if I can tell you everything about your life, hopes, dreams, heartaches, hurts etc, and you can't tell me anything about mine, perhaps you need to learn to listen equally as often as you speak.

6. SALES PEOPLE: I don't care if it is your job. If I need a product I will seek it out. Leave me alone. This goes for people in stores too, the ones that don't even make commission. Asking me if I need help the first time is polite and I get it, beyond that, I don't need you. I am capable of seeking you out should I need further assistance, and we all know when I am looking for you, you will have disappeared into thin air.

7. BLANKETING PEOPLE IN "HE/SHE IS A CHRISTIAN" AS IF THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE THEM: Guys, just because someone calls themselves a Christian does not mean that he/she understands, lives,works, believes, loves or does any other thing like Jesus. It does not mean you are a good person. It is just another title that may or may not have any actual value.

8. BAD CHRISTIAN ART: This sort of goes with the above. Writing, painting, drawing, music etc should be good. Don't just throw some crap together, call it "worship" and then assume it is worth listening to, reading, or looking at. As an artist, you should want what you do to appeal to people because it is GOOD not because it has the name Jesus plastered on it.

9. SCHOOL TRAFFIC: There has to be a better way.

10. LATENESS: You know how long you need. Plan accordingly.

30 Days: Day 2- Write A Haiku About Today

Here are four haiku's about today.


I am stuck at home
Because germs are a biotch
Cough drops are for lunch


My throat is raw meat
Oil of oregano
Quick get me some juice


Princess and the Frog
Highly underrated film
Disney needs more black


Starbucks is delish
No medicinal value
Overpriced brown drink


Sitting at home bored
Better than hospital bored
Still I'm really bored

30 Days: Day 1- Letter to the World

In 36 days I am moving. I am moving closer to my hometown, closer to almost all of my family. We have a home under contract, set to close at the beginning of next month. I couldn't enroll in school this semester because of said circumstance, so I have A LOT of time on my hands, and for someone who spends 90% of her time in her head, this is no good. I am also terribly excited which we all know only makes time move exponentially slower. I decided today, that perhaps a good way to use a little of that time, and also to challenge myself would be to do a 30 day blog challenge. Following in the footsteps of one of my most dear and lovely friends, I will use a "prompt generator" as a tool to provide subject matter.

That said, today's prompt is "Write a letter to the world".

Dear World,

        This could go in A LOT of different directions. I could start by apologizing profusely for my own enormous carbon footprint. I don't recycle regularly, I use harsh chemicals when I need them, I create A LOT of trash, I drink water out of plastic bottles, I drive a car all the time and have no desire to own a bike (it's mostly personal- bikes and I have a long bumpy history), and I hardly ever remember to take my cloth bags to the grocery store when I go. I am not even one shade of green. But, I don't litter. I don't even spit my gum on the street. Just today I stuck a wad of it to the center console in my car so I could toss it out appropriately later. I know you are getting dirtier and hotter with each passing second and I certainly am contributing more to the problem than the solution. It just feels like such a big, unstoppable problem and I let being overwhelmed get the best of me. Sorry for that. We reap what we sow and our kids and their kids and their kids and so on are really in for it.

I may like to mention my apologies also for the amount of insane anger and violence over land and whose people are from and own which parts of it. Countries seem to be like a screaming toddler who got to the toy train set first and although there are 50 cars, can't seem to share even one. Sometimes it's about "resources" although we all know there is enough to go around. But I think mostly it's just about pride. We all want the best and most of all things, which leads me to what I am most sorry about....

Humans. We are crazy. We are selfish and destructive. We are mostly perpetual children in the way we think and deal with getting what we want. This place, you, are beautiful. We have rivers and oceans and valleys and mountains and food growing from the ground. We have more than enough that no one should be hungry and yet we allow people to be hungry because if they are just far enough removed from us surely they can be ignored. Your oceans aren't enough if we can't get fish from them and your valleys are useless if they don't produce orchards. We humans take and take and take and hardly even stop for even a moment to be thankful for what you have provided. We are never ending need holes and generally lack the introspection to even ask ourselves if what we think we need is really a need at all. It isn't enough to take as we genuinely need, what you have provided. We are a bigger, better, mass production society of people who, if we could really look at ourselves, into ourselves, should be ashamed.

So, sorry world. You are one messed up, beat up, used up, tired place and it is no fault of your own. Thanks for continuing to be beautiful despite smog and trash. Thanks for those sunsets that make the sky look like a watercolor painting and the smell right after rain. Thank you for snow capped mountains and the vastness of the ocean. Thank you that no matter how terrible we are to you, you were made to keep giving to us as best you could. If more of us, could adopt that- the giving despite what is deserved, maybe I wouldn't have to be so sorry.

Safety Is Not For Sale.

I don't understand why moms and dads have to bury their babies, or toddlers, or teenagers or adult children.

I do understand. This place we live is broken. It wasn't meant to be, but it is. We wanted to play God and their are consequences to losing a game that wasn't ours to play.

But it isn't fair. And even as I write that I am reminded that God causes the sun to rise and set on the righteous and the unrighteous and the rain to fall on them both too. Life isn't about fair.

This is why I have so much anxiety. There is no secure thing in the world other than Jesus, which is really good news, but also terrifying because all I want is to be secure- to know that as I pray over my own babies and ask God for His hand of protection to be over them that I can trust that it will. And although I know it will, it could look really ugly compared to what I pictured as I prayed.

I can't see beginning from end. I can't see anything beyond today and sometimes I am too caught up in yesterday to even see that clearly.

All my worry is caught up in my unwavering awareness of the fragility of life. I am so overly aware of how quick it comes and then goes leaving little to be remembered beyond a generation or so.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

My own fears, the ones that debilitate and break me far too often are found at the foot of this false idol I call "security". She is made of stone, tall and powerful. She is fields of flowers and smiling happy faces. She is guardian angels and hymns of peace. I bring my offerings but she cannot offer me any one thing. Because as JJ Heller so beautifully sang, "safety is not for sale".

Oh how I wish it was. I wish I could buy my children's lives into old age. My own. I wish I could see into tomorrow and the day after knowing that everything would simply "be alright".

Everything simply won't. Not here.

And I need, so much I need, my faith and trust in the bigger picture and the sovereignty of God to match my understanding of the fragility of life.

Because there really is purpose. There really is a bigger picture. It isn't all for nothing.

"Jesus loves me, this I know."