In Quietness and Trust.

I have been a lot of things in my life. I have been amazing things, mediocre things, things that I abhor. What I have never been, is quiet. I have never been someone regarded as meek be it in attitude, presence or spirit. I have always been outspoken, sometimes when I had no business being so.

Perhaps I was not this way as a child, I honestly don't remember, but life and circumstance have a way of creating in you the person you become, rather than the other way around. None of us just "are"- we are made into ourselves, (which is precisely why it is so maddening when people use "just the way they are" as an excuse not to change).

Somewhere along the line I must have felt very unheard, and it makes sense if you know anything about my life. I took this need to be heard and made it into something very tangible. I wore weird clothes and styled my hair differently and eventually became pierced and tattooed because if I couldn't be heard I would at least be seen. I think I was able to recognize this honestly about 7 years ago, by which time I had aquired enough tattoo's to cover a large portion of my body. If the seeing wasn't enough, I was also doing. I was obnoxious and sailor mouthed and promiscuous. Someone was going to know I was there be it for me or against me.

And then I re-found Jesus and I mellowed out a lot. A LOT. But I remained outspoken, ready to spill my guts and my secrets and my damage to anyone who was willing to listen. There is power in authenticity, but being real doesn't mean leaking all your hurts into the laps of people who have no idea what to do with them. Presentation and timing are key- a difficult lesson I learned along the way (not near quickly enough).

SO here I am, and there is a nagging lately. I have felt it before but not so strong as this. It is a pulling of unfinished business between me and God.

It is the business of silence.

I have made great strides in understanding and slowly changing my need to be seen and heard. But I have never learned how to just be quiet. The skill of saying nothing even when I have valid things to say. The strength that comes with silence.

I have been told many times, by many people that what I have said has moved them, shook them, made them feel something. I know I have a voice and not because I am begging for one but because God gave me one before I ever knew it was there. I know there is something to be said for expressing yourself and that this is of mighty importance especially when expressing you is also expressing the love of God.

However,

It is time for me to be quiet. It is time to listen rather than speak. I know God will prompt me to say things, but I want it to be  FULLY Him. It is time to put the last piece of the puzzle in this area of my life. I am confident its presence will create a picture of self assurance in Him alone.

"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."

Proverbs 29:11

 "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

1 Peter 3:3-4

"....in quietness and in trust shall be your strength..."

Isaiah 30:15

Why I Didn't Vaccinate.

I didn't want to write this. I didn't want to write it because I am tired of defending myself. However, due to recent measles outbreaks and the SURE following of media scare tactics, this subject is consistently on my Facebook feed and peoples misinformation and lack of information has me ready to poke my own eyes out. SO, for those of you who are so inclined, below you will read why it is, that an intelligent, loving and thoughtful mother and person, has chosen not to vaccinate her kids.

I have to start at the beginning, which is with my first son. I had him at 21 and had very little information about vaccines other than the baby comes out and off they go for shots. That and the dreaded trips to the doctor every few months for shots, when I knew my generally calm baby would be miserable, probably feverish and crying for the entire day. But- it's what the doctors told me I had to do and more than that they presented it to me as LAW. So my son received all the vaccinations "required" until I became pregnant with my daughter when he was 4.

By my second pregnancy, not only was I older and more concerned with information, but it was about the time the anti-vaccine movement was in full swing, at the time mostly as a concern about autism. There was media coverage and it seemed questionable enough to look into. So I did look into it, and what I found was concerning to say the least.

Before I get into my personal understandings/feelings/beliefs about vaccines in and of themselves, I have to preface with something that I consider to be a fact. FACT: this issue is less about vaccines and more about faith, or lack there of, in the medical community. That said, we can argue all day about science and medicine, and if you are the sort of person who believes that either of those businesses have your best interest at heart, we will never agree. It is because of my general distrust of the medical community that I chose not to vaccinate my kids, the same reasons I keep both them and myself as far away from any pharmaceutical, (prescription or otherwise) as possible.

First of all you HAVE to understand that vaccines make money- BIG MONEY. Big Pharma is a BIG DEAL, and the medicines being manufactured and sold are not in order that you might live healthier and longer, but that the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry may get bigger.
"The global pharmaceuticals market is worth US$300 billion a year, a figure expected to rise to US$400 billion within three years. The 10 largest drugs companies control over one-third of this market, several with sales of more than US$10 billion a year and profit margins of about 30%. Six are based in the United States and four in Europe. It is predicted that North and South America, Europe and Japan will continue to account for a full 85% of the global pharmaceuticals market well into the 21st century. Companies currently spend one-third of all sales revenue on marketing their products - roughly twice what they spend on research and development." -World Health Organization  (That last sentence should really frighten you and honestly be almost enough to make you never take/inject anything ever again.)

Secondly, vaccines were initially needed in a time when clean drinking water and sanitary environments barely even existed. We are talking the 1500-1700's. If you engage yourself in a little history project, you will find that the living conditions of people during this time period were horrifying. There had yet to be invented anything resembling a modern toilet, and in a lot of cases cities didn't even have sewage systems. There was no "Waste Management" truck and because of the unavoidable piles of garbage everywhere, rats and bugs were inescapable. Not to mention the overall lack of bathing. Call me crazy, but OF COURSE disease became RAMPANT. Not only that, but the medical community had no treatment for diseases and so what seemed and was at the time most necessary was prevention of said illness. Enter in the creation of the vaccine- Edward Jenner, smallpox, 1790.
Consider this: we now live in a world, in a country, where at every grocery store as you enter with your cart you will find a little tub of sanitary wipes. Everything is antibacterial. We don't even drink from our taps, we buy prepackaged water with pictures of waterfalls on the label so we can tell ourselves it's "clean". We poop in toilets, flush them and never see whatever came out of us again. Is it possible then, that perhaps even more than vaccinations, our sanitation developments have been what has done us the greatest justice in the prevention of contagious disease? Food for thought. (Also, it is worth mentioning that our obsession with sanitation is actually hurting us.)

Third, because I would argue that our progress in sanitation has been a much greater contributor to our not dying of measles or whooping cough, I would also argue that these viruses are much less likely to occur for the same reasons, and if they do, they are treatable. Would having the measles or whooping cough suck? Yes (both my daughter and I had whooping cough last year). Could it kill a baby or old person? Sure. Could any number of things kill a baby or old person, many of which we don't vaccinate for? Yes. But a generally healthy person will live through the measles, whooping cough, mumps, flu, etc. Which leads me to this: if you are scared about the health of your child, you should be doing a lot more than vaccinating them. (Obviously I believe vaccines are dangerous, which I will get to in a minute, but follow me here). You vaccinate to prevent scary viruses, but what are you FEEDING your kids??? How much processed chicken nuggets, cheese burgers, sugar and soda are they ingesting? Do you pay attention to ingredients and origins of their food, because in the long term THIS is a whole lot more terrifying than a week of the measles. Are you even attempting to buy whole or organic foods when you can? I have to stay here for a minute because it is so obvious to me. Do you know what the number one killer of Americans is? Heart disease- followed closely by cancer (taken from CDC). Heart disease is caused by unhealthy diet and lack of exercise. Good habits start in childhood, so if you are lazy or uncaring as to what your child is eating or how often they get off the couch DON'T YOU DARE talk to me about how I am putting my children, or yours, in danger by not vaccinating. Have you ever taken the time to think about cancer and why it seems as though everyone around you is being diagnosed with it? Have you thought that perhaps there is a tie between the malformation of our cells and what we breath, eat, and rub in our skin (or all those seemingly "helpful" meds we take for XYZ)? I am saying all of this to get across that vaccines in the way of "taking care" of your child are not one sided and the overall health of your children is LONG TERM not just what you can do in a Dr's office to try and assure they make it through childhood. Also, back to my point, if your child does contract one of the viruses generally vaccinated for and has a healthy immune system, they will survive, without long term damage.

Fourth, and this is sort of tied to the above, and the OVERALL LIFETIME health of your kids- do you know what is in vaccines? If you don't PLEASE click HERE (straight from the CDC), and inform yourself. If you are somehow too lazy for that, let me help you by naming off a few things that are highly recognizable:

Aluminum, MSG, Thirmesol (mercury) and formaldehyde. 

Aluminum is a huge problem, stretching far beyond vaccines. You can learn about it and how it is related to cancer and Alzheimer's HERE. MSG is also a much larger problem than vaccines alone. You can learn about MSG and its ties to brain damage (particularly in children) and nervous disorders HERE. To learn more about formaldehyde head over HERE. Keep in mind, these are JUST FOUR of the toxic ingredients used as additives in your children's vaccines. Sadly, very few studies have been done to really address these additives and their direct correlation with the long term health of your child. I would venture to assume it is because again, vaccines are big money and we don't want to stifle big money. However there are many many stories, (most of which are undocumented by the media) about children who have had horrifying adverse reactions as well as death as a direct result of vaccines. For some of those stories, click here or here.

Honestly, the ingredient list was the selling point for me. I don't need studies to prove that injecting toxic chemicals into my child is a bad idea. Even if they have no initial reaction, there is NOTHING to prove to me it won't affect them long term. Furthermore, with little to no answers as to the rise of things like Autism, ADD/ADHD, cancer and the like, you cannot tell me there is no relation. 

One more time, before I go, and I hope if nothing else this has at least allowed for a minimal understanding of parents like me, I have to restate that this whole argument is about the trust we as individuals are able to place in the medical community. I don't trust them. I don't trust their quick visits and immediate responses. I don't trust their drugs and the money being made having them sold to me. This distrust does not make me stupid or crazy and the media with their propaganda and fear mongering does not move me. If you haven't noticed, the government as a whole cares very little about you or whatever infectious disease you may contract. Should you be on the opposite side of this belief, as a person who stands on the hope that medicine really is made to heal, or at the very least help, we will never see eye to eye. Just please, do yourself a favor and don't decide to be a sheep before you interrogate the shit out of your shepherd.

PS. I feel as though I am leaving this all to soon, because it is so much more complicated than even what I have presented here, and for that I am sorry. I will leave you with this: find some non bias info about the actual illnesses you are vaccinating against, environment they originated in, how rare they are today, (not because we have vaccines but because we don't accidentally touch poop and rats all the time and have clean water), and what the actual effects of the illness are IF they were to be contracted and try and look at it from a place that isn't viral-apocalyptic-fear based. More than that, isn't bias in terms of all you've ever heard from every Dr for your whole life.

PSS. This is all just my opinion ya'll.

What Are We Doing If Not This?

"Don't apologize for yourself. You're awesome." I said to a woman God brought into my life, and whom I had the pleasure of spending some time with tonight.

About an hour prior to my saying this, she had commented how even at church she could find herself feeling alone but surrounded by people. I felt this sentiment so deeply because I feel it all over the place, all the time. I have come to learn, and more importantly accept, that I am not the sort of person who can say "Hello" and give a high five to a handful of people on Sunday and feel like I am living in community. For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me, and why I needed to be engaged, or deeply involved with people. Why am I so uninterested in surface conversations, and acquaintances when other people seem to be perfectly fine? Why do I feel so NEEDY? Not needy like high maintenance, but needy like I want so much more from people conversationally than "It's real hot out, my bathroom is being renovated, okay bye."

I have found that the answer is not only just that I am wired that way, but that most people are wired that way, it only seems like they aren't because a lot of the time they are getting what they need from someone other than me. This is good. We can't all be BFF's and I understand that. I really don't expect everyone to love me, or understand me, or want to know me. BUT, what community really means, particularly in the church, has really weighed on me lately because I think we are missing it a lot of the time- myself as a perpetrator included.

My pastor recently spent a lot of time in Acts, reading and re-reading what the first church had to say about community and it goes like this (Ch 2):

⁴² The believers spent their time listening to the teaching of the apostles. They shared everything with each other. They ate together and prayed together. ⁴³ Many wonders and miraculous signs were happening through the apostles, and everyone felt great respect for God. ⁴⁴ All the believers stayed together and shared everything. ⁴⁵ They sold their land and the things they owned. Then they divided the money and gave it to those who needed it. ⁴⁶ The believers shared a common purpose, and every day they spent much of their time together in the Temple area. They also ate together in their homes. They were happy to share their food and ate with joyful hearts. ⁴⁷ The believers praised God and were respected by all the people. More and more people were being saved every day, and the Lord was adding them to their group.

My mental image of this is of some hippie commune full of barefooted men with beards and dirty hands and their wives in bohemian printed wrap skirts living off the land and making barefooted dirty faced babies all the while worshiping together both during meals and at night around a fire while one of the bearded men plays the guitar marvelously. These people all smell like patchouli and are endlessly happy in relationship with God and each other. 

I imagine this idea makes some of you want to run. We have our own lives, our own families, jobs and schedules. Combine that with the fact that generally in our culture nuclear family (mom/dad/babies) is considered top priority. Only it doesn't say that here. It doesn't say each family ate together alone all week and met with other believers on Sunday and gave each other high fives. It doesn't say each family made sure to manage their time in a way that kept them apart from others because what is nuclear in nature is more important than the whole. It doesn't say they set specific times in order to be with each other for about an hour during the week. It says exactly opposite those things. It says they shared EVERYTHING and ate in each others HOMES on the regular. They even sold what they had to help those who had not- with no expectation of reciprocation. 

There is no ME, MY FAMILY, MY TIME in this scripture. It goes SO against what we consider normal and acceptable- even in a Christian community. It is easy for us to say, "Yeah they did that but the culture is just so different now, and life is so much busier and blah blah blah..." And it is and thats fine, but is that REALLY why we aren't living wholly in community? OR is it because.....

We would rather not bear the weight of personalities and issues that aren't like ours? 

People are freaking HARD and they aren't all like us. We have all had that weird guy/girl come into our lives that we couldn't understand or didn't like and felt awkward around and could only be relieved when he/she walked away. It is HARD to bear people who you don't understand. But scripture also calls believers "brothers and sisters" over and over and over again. It tells us that every other believer in Christ is now a sibling. But we don't live that way. We may bear the weight of a weird blood sister, but we generally avoid doing that for a brother/sister in Christ and I hate it for us. I hate it for them and I hate it for me because to someone, I am "that guy". 

I get that we are all busy and life in your own house feels like drowning sometimes, but something is missing. How often do you have brothers and sisters (even the weird ones) over for dinner, just because? It isn't difficult to break bread. How often do you seek out your "that guy" to try and better understand and bring whatever it is God has called you to bring into his/her life? How often do you ask someone how they are and REALLY want to know, listening even if it "cuts into your schedule"? What are we really doing here if we aren't doing those things? 

I've spent the last 2.5 years without community and it has taken a huge toll on me. I suppose that is why all of this feels so pertinent. I am sure those of you with plenty of friends and time with them won't resonate so much here, and that is okay. I am preaching to myself here too, I don't seek out the weird guy often enough either.

There are a lot of places where it seems normal for people to feel alone surrounded by people, but church should never be one of them. Ever.