I Want It To Be You, But It's Me.

I have to begin here with blatant honesty. There are a few reasons I don't like to write, blog or even talk about difficulties in my marriage:

1. I have a TON to be grateful for in said area. We are really blessed to be here almost 11 years later and I don't for one minute want anyone to think I am missing that.

2. My husband and I are very different, and I don't want anyone to think that my awareness and sometimes difficulty with this is greater than my ability to recognize where we fill in each others gaps in a good way.

3. I don't want anyone to think badly of either of us.

I am generally soft spoken, my husband is really loud. I am serious and stoic, my husband is a walking caricature. I am a square, my husband is a sailor. I want to save the world, my husband wants to enjoy the world. I eat carefully, my husband also functions as a garbage disposal. I worry about everything, my husband doesn't worry about anything. Most importantly though, I am a Jesus follower, my husband is not.

Quick background- I certainly wasn't living as a Jesus follower when we met, so it may seem to some that I tricked my poor husband into thinking I was the sort of girl he would want to marry and then quickly proved otherwise. There are times I am sure he feels this way, and I don't blame him. To be fair though, we hadn't known each other long enough to have any real proof that we were the sort that should be marrying each other at all, but we were young, I was pregnant and infatuation looked like love, so we did.

God has carried us (and still does) through a great deal of trial and error. I mean, HUGE errors including but not limited to mental illnesses, infidelity, substance abuse, anger issues and geographical separation. We have both grown and changed, learning to bend to prevent a break. The man I lay next to at night is not the same man whose hands I held in that Pensacola courthouse at 20 years old. God has been good to us.

And now the however.

However, life has changed my husband, but Jesus has changed me. In case you don't quite understand that: Life changes through lessons, (God too sometimes), but my love of God and desire to be like Jesus changed me despite life. My desires and outlook on pretty much everything reflect what is considered an upside kingdom compared to the world we live in. The Jesus in me has freed me up to:

Love without being loved back.
Give without receiving.
Trust in the intangible and unseeable.
Forgive without having been offered an apology, under THE MOST unforgivable circumstances.
Find contentment in being last.
Many more nonsensical gestures....

Not that I have nailed all these things, I totally haven't, but they are my hearts desire and they are so because of who I understand Jesus to be. These traits and beliefs and my faith in the God of the Bible FULLY shape who I am and because my husband does not share these beliefs, it makes it hard to meet in the middle sometimes. Okay, it makes it impossible to meet in the middle sometimes.

In the beginning I spent a lot of time trying to make my husband see what I see. Believe what I believe. Change the way I have changed. I drug him to church on holidays praying that something would move him, shake him, break him, spark a fraction of interest even. I learned quickly (probably not quickly enough) that I couldn't make church his thing, nor could I force him to see truth as I see it. So I let it go, mostly (I'm only human).

Here's what I am trying to get at:

In most marriages there are certain issues that just ARE. They are like thorns in sides meant to remind us all we are breakable and humility and trust have to be bigger than we are sometimes. They seem never ending, forever and irremovable if not by miracle. Without selflessness on someones behalf, these thorns will destroy our marriages and our families.

We all want to be loved like we love, give like we give, think like we think and when those desires aren't met we are hurt, frustrated and sometimes angry. We want to be understood and when we aren't it can be maddening.

Because my husband shares totally different values and beliefs than me, he cannot love like I love, he can only love like he loves. This is not a fault, it is just reality. He can only give and think the way that he thinks, because he only has his own life experiences to go by. He has a totally different set of tools to work with than I do and that isn't something I can hold against him.

Enter stage left, God.

It isn't my job to change or fix my husband, it's Gods- but MORE IMPORTANTLY (MOST IMPORTANTLY) God wants to change ME. He wants me to have the patience and love and joy and kindness and gentleness I need to love my husband just where he is at because HE (God) gave it to me. He wants to love me in ways no human, Bible believing or not, ever could because we are only human. He wants to fill in every gap, every space where I am lacking so that the GLORY of it all can ONLY BE HIS.

I started this talking about my husband, and our vast differences because it something I struggle with sometimes daily. But this isn't about my husband at all. It is about me. It is about how much I am trusting God to fill my gaps and show me love the way only HE knows I need it. It is my ability to trust that will grow me, which will allow me to show MORE love to my husband no matter where he is or what he is doing that I like or don't like, and that will in turn only serve to show him more and more of who Jesus really is and why He's worth thinking about.

I wrote this because we all have someone (beliefs aside) in our lives that we wish would just "get it", whatever "it" is for you. I wrote this to encourage you to be humble enough to let God work in you in order to remove "getting it" from the table. I wrote this because I need to wake up and read it every morning and every afternoon, not just to strengthen my marriage but every other relationship in my life.

I wrote this because life isn't about you, but by letting God work in you (instead of always pleading He work on everyone else), He will work through you, and that can change everything, life and world included.

Tired

Sometimes I am wide
In my face
In my hips

And

Sometimes I take up
Space
Too much space

And

I fall back to Egypt
In my thoughts
In my reflection
In my beliefs
About who I am

And

All that work
All those prophesy's
And plagues
That got me out
Of Egypt to begin with
They are for nothing

And

I am tired

My Name Is Brooks And I Am Broken.

My name is Brooks and I am broken.

I am choosing not to say "...and I have a mental illness", because I am not sure I believe in that anymore. I don't believe that my mind has a disease that can be likened to diabetes or asthma, and that if I just take the proper medications I will be comfortable and "fixed". I don't believe my brain is producing improper amounts of serotonin or dopamine which in turn causes me to feel sad or anxious when there is nothing outside of myself that would be indicative of having those feelings. I don't believe these things because not only have I lived it all, but I also have too much information. Before you click the X in the top right corner of the screen and discredit me, let me share briefly some information concerning antidepressants and the pharmaceutical industry. If you don't want to read more after that, fine, but PLEASE read this:

1. FIRST and MOST IMPORTANTLY, there is little to no science behind our understanding of mental illness. There is no test that can be performed to gauge chemical levels in the brain, thus the fact that something is even actually wrong in the brain is a THEORY. It is the psychiatric worlds BEST GUESS as to why people experience depression, anxiety, schizophrenia and the like.

2. The DSMV- which is the mental health guide book (psychiatric bible) to diagnosing mental illnesses, was originally written by a handful of psychiatrist's sitting in an office hashing out what constitutes a particular diagnosis and then what to name it, based on their client pool. These were not even doctors from all over the world, but literally a group of friendly professionals hired by the government to create a guidebook for treating what was then only known as "insanity", (originally including homosexuality). It has since been altered and added to enormously- in the same fashion as it got its beginnings. It is also important to note that since the book was originally released in the 1940's, it has nearly tripled in size, which means hundreds of new illnesses have been added, as well as some being taken away. I don't know about you, but I think it is slightly alarming that homosexuality was considered and TREATED as a mental disturbance until 1986. NINETEEN EIGHT SIX.

3. Antidepressants sport the strongest "black box" label that exists per the FDA. This label warns that said medication may produce suicidal thoughts and actions in children under 18. Just when you thought you were TREATING the problem, the prescribed medication warns you that said drug has the potential to have the EXACT opposite effect on yourself or your child. AND it isn't just kids- a study in 2005 reported that people on SSRI's (most common form of antidepressants) were 7 times more likely to commit suicide than those who were given sugar pills. HERE IS YOUR SIGN. The drugs you are taking for your brokenness have been known to induce brokenness at its most extreme state.

4. Unlike drugs prescribed to cure disease or prevent further decline in health, because we don't actually know what the "medical" cause of mental illness is, these drugs can only be designed to mask symptoms, MUCH LIKE marijuana, alcohol and any other illicit substance. If you don't have a basic understanding of how antidepressant work as far as what is actually occurring in your brain, click here. Please remember though, that these meds are made to treat what we THINK might be happening in the brain to cause depression and the like. By taking an antidepressant you are adding synthetic chemicals to your brain which may or may not be missing in the first place. Most likely not missing which you will see when I move on to side and long term affects of their use. Basically, these drugs might level you out. They might make you feel less of whatever bad thing you are feeling, but they will NOT make you happy, they will not induce joy and have the ability to actually worsen the problem significantly.

5. ALERT: Click here to get a little tiny, baby, itty bitty snippet of the truth about placebos and their beating out most antidepressants in clinical studies. This is a HUGE issue, particularly because so many of these studies have been hidden and discarded by pharmaceutical companies in order to manufacture, sell and make big money on psychiatric meds. The truth is that FAR TOO OFTEN placebos have equal if not better both short and long term affects on people with depression. Sugar pills. Sugar pills.

6. The side and long term effects of these medications is a list so long I cannot even begin to type it here. There are COUNTLESS stories of people whose lives have been absolutely destroyed by antidepressants. Not only that many people have lost loved ones as their attempt to feel better by taking these meds actually lead to suicide. I have suffered through SEVERE withdrawal symptoms every time I attempted to come off of these medications, even under the watchful eye of a psychiatrist.

I can write a post like this and have an opinion because I have lived through and am still learning to live with depression and anxiety. If you know me you know I am not playing and I do not use those terms loosely. I have not been sad like "my dog died and my friend is mad at me". I have been sad, weeping, lost and alone unable to function- participating in self mutilation because it was the closest thing to relief I could find. I have not been anxious like "I have to make a speech or what is the doctor gonna say". I have been debilitated, trembling calling 911 (numerous times) because my heart won't slow down and the world is spinning and my face is so tingly I can hardly open my mouth to speak. I have woken out of SLEEP with these symptoms.

I LIVE WITH THESE THINGS. I was put on medication at 16 years old and didn't come off of it until 31- after numerous failed attempts prior. I have only been off of them for 7 months and there have been days and weeks in this past 7 months that felt like LIFETIMES. They felt like defeat and terror and sadness and exhaustion and "WHERE ARE YOU GOD???". But you know what, it isn't because my brain is deficient in serotonin, it is because I am broken.

God created us to feel. The Bible is riddled with broken people crying out to God- some of them asking for death because their pain is SO huge, (both David and Job- probably more but I'm not a Bible teacher). When bad things happen or we are participating in bad things, negative emotional response is not only normal, but is a NECESSARY alarm to signal something is wrong. These days, when you are sad, generally it is not taken into account the core of what is causing sadness. If you are sad, but you have a house and money and food and a family it is assumed since "nothing is wrong" that there is this chemical brain problem.

I have a family. An AWESOME family. I have a house, food, money, stuff...all sorts of things that hundreds of thousands of people on this planet could only dream of having. I have a relationship with Jesus and a church home. I have friends, GREAT ones who I could go to with anything. These amazing blessings though, do not negate issues both past and present that cause me to struggle with depression and anxiety.

Like most people, I have not had an easy life. I have been a victim of things that were never Gods plan for my life and those things matter. They became a part of who I am, because they are my story. As a Christian, Jesus gave me the opportunity and the tools to not live as a victim. I don't walk around defeated because of my past, because I am made new in Christ.....HOWEVER (and here is where it gets tricky), that doesn't make my past and all that came with it disappear. Jesus isn't a magician He is a teacher (savior, etc, but roll with me here). Knowing and loving God doesn't make my pain and my experiences go away like a train on a David Copperfield stage, what it does is teach me how to move past, grow from and USE that pain to help and reach others. That to say, I AM STILL LEARNING.

I deal with depression because I am still in process of learning to take that ugly and hurt and apply it in a positive way. I deal with anxiety because I still don't fully trust the sovereignty of God. I am concerned with my safety and my families safety and the fragility of life, and these are simply NOT for me to be concerned with because I can concern myself all day long and still have no control over any of it. THUS I am anxious and sad.

What I am getting at here, (God bless you if you're still with me), is that we live in a world, in a culture particularly, that is completely ignoring the root causes of "mental illness". We are selling people the lie that more stuff, more food, more travel, more money will fill a void. Consume, consume, consume. For a moment, a FLEETING moment that consumption soothes the void, but we all know that tomorrow there will be something bigger, better, more luxurious, more delicious that if we could only get our hands on would REALLY do the trick. WE ALL KNOW THE LIE HERE. WE ALL LIVE IT OR HAVE LIVED IT. Then, when the lie proves to be a lie, we just medicate you, band-aid the fact that there was a void you were trying to fill in the first place and tell you something is wrong with your brain, it's genetic, it's hereditary, you're a slave to your ancestors, here take this little pink pill and at least maybe you'll stop crying long enough to get to work and make more money to buy more stuff.

PEOPLE- WE ARE BROKEN. WE HAVE PAIN. WE HAVE HISTORY. WE HAVE A PAST. THERE  ARE INNUMERABLE REASONS TO BE SAD, WORRIED, ANGRY, AFRAID. I know that Jesus is the answer, BUT even if Jesus isn't your thing, even if you can't get down with the religious/church thing, AT LEAST RECOGNIZE THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE DEEPLY CONNECTED TO SOMETHING. YOUR SADNESS IS CONNECTED TO SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE. YOUR WORRY IS CONNECTED TO SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE- PAST OR PRESENT- THERE IS A CONNECTION AND IT IS VALID. You cannot medicate your pain away, you cannot fill it up with stuff, you cannot drown it with beer or wine or cocktails you cannot wish it away.

Look harder. Look deeper. Look inside. Take the time, the money the energy (and it will take SO MUCH FREAKING ENERGY), and TALK to someone who can guide you in finding that connection. If you can afford Starbucks and new shoes and dinner out you can afford at least a couple sessions with a therapist to help get you on the right track. Stop passively posting on Facebook and Twitter about your hurts and reach out to REAL PEOPLE- friends and family.

And for goodness sake if you have the information, if you have the knowledge about the reality of psychiatric drugs and the blatant abuse of them TALK to other people about it. Someone has to say something. Someone has to make the first move.

*Disclaimer: All I have is my own journey, and what I feel God and research and experience have taught me about medication. If you take meds, I have absolutely NO judgement. I encourage you to take the time to do the research yourself and come to your own conclusions. I have Xanax in my purse. I avoid it at all costs and am aware of what I am doing should I choose to take it. NO ROOM TO JUDGE, just trying to get a message out there. Also, most of the information posted here is from a book called "Cracked, The Unhappy Truth About Psychiatry", which I read as I was coming off of meds- GREAT book, will make you want to stand on a rooftop and yell at the cosmos for justice, but awesome and informative. For more information about antidepressants that you won't hear on the news, check out www.cchr.org.

Untitled.

I want

To be ripe with hope.

Full up with it until my seams are bursting,
stretched to capacity
but soft from its fullness.

I want

To capture thoughts.

Scoop them up and hold them
like fish in a net,
discarding those unfit to be kept.

I want

To be drunk with Shalom.

Far beyond whispers in temples
and cease fires.
Shalom so big it's like black holes-
Misunderstood and never ending.

I want

To stand in unwavering faith.

Infantile, new world, trusting
that the breast of my mother and
the fact that she exists is enough for me.

I want

To drown in joy.

Face hurting laughter at the sheer
lovliness of this breath in my lungs
and the birds and the lilies
all so beautifully clothed with no care
at all knowing that they
are simply not responsible
for such things.  

I want

To trust You.

For all of the above.
To stop looking in so much
And
Just
Look
Up.

I am a grain of sand.
I am important and yet so unimportant.
I am impermanent and will one day
be forgotten,
and that is okay.
That is more than okay
because the little tiny
person who I am-
one day forgotten,
only serves to show
how big
and glorious
and eternal

You are.