Today at church we had a guest speaker. He was from China, and had been imprisoned for 3 years there for printing and handing out Bibles. His story is amazing, and so were he and his family.
However, the whole time he spoke I found myself getting more and more bitter. Particularly when anyone around me said "Amen!" or anything like it. I wanted to just turn and say to whomever, "Don't say 'Amen' like you have any idea what this guy has been through or understands, just stare in awe and recognize that you will never have any idea what it means to be really persecuted for your faith." Awful huh? I felt that way the whole time and I left agitated.
So here I am at 8:05pm trying to process what my frustration was all about. The only thing I can gather is that I am just pissed at myself. I am mad at myself for living such a privileged, spoiled, American life. I am mad that I have been given the opportunity to do so much, and have done so little. I am mad that I have allowed so many things to stand in my way- things that seem trivial when propped up next to prison, or disability or any number of other things that so many amazing, life changing people have had to push through. I know this isn't God- I know He is not giving me this spirit of agitation, but I am...agitated.
I left just asking myself if I even had any real grasp on faith at all. I believe in Jesus. I believe He died and rose. I believe He was the Son of God. Do I believe that He is the same miracle worker that He was back when he was a physical person? I want to say yes- but I haven't witnessed any miracles lately. (Please don't read into this- I know every breath is a miracle and birth and blahblahblah- that is not what I am talking about). I have prayed for healing and not received it. I have resigned my own self to mental illness because it is easier to believe that it is some how in Gods plan than to keep believing for healing and never get it. So is that faith? When I sit down and really rack my mind, there are SO many things I am jaded about. Things about God that I don't understand, that I don't have answers for and that I cannot wrap my mind around. Some of that is good- I am not supposed to be able to wrap my head around God...but a lot of it is just- not good. Why isn't God healing people every Sunday when we pray for them? Jesus said I can do greater things than he ever did so why are so many prayers left unanswered?
I think it is partially just due to the fact that we are spoiled here. I know when you start researching the "Jesus Movement" in other countries, you will find that amazing things are happening. God is moving in places the same way he did in Acts. I am fairly sure this is because most of those people are truly oppressed- like physically in poverty and under dictatorship and they know what it means to be TRULY hungry and in need of God. There's been moments in my life where I have come to a place where I felt completely and utterly oppressed and God has shown up. Every time. But most of the time, I can get by on my own, so I don't yearn for my Creator. I just muddle through. I tread water and then wonder why I feel so far from God until my legs give in and I absolutely cannot tread any longer and I cry out and He shows up.
So here is my problem: how do I keep crying out, even when I just hopped in the pool? How do I remember and live in my absolute desperate need for Jesus everyday, allowing Him to work in me everyday, rather than just when I really need Him? Don't get me wrong- I KNOW the only reason I have anything is because I have God, but I don't LIVE like the only reason I have anything is because I have God. I want to be desperate for Him in my heart no matter how not desperate I may feel in my life. Does that make sense? I want to wake up everyday remembering what Jesus did for me and making sure I know that everyone around me knows the only reason I am who I am with what I have is because of forgiveness and grace. I want to do more. I want to do so much more- and I am jaded because I feel like....like I am just never gonna get there.
PS. If you attend my church and are reading this- sorry for wanting to slap you when you said "Amen". It's not you, it's me.
