Safety Is Not For Sale.

I don't understand why moms and dads have to bury their babies, or toddlers, or teenagers or adult children.

I do understand. This place we live is broken. It wasn't meant to be, but it is. We wanted to play God and their are consequences to losing a game that wasn't ours to play.

But it isn't fair. And even as I write that I am reminded that God causes the sun to rise and set on the righteous and the unrighteous and the rain to fall on them both too. Life isn't about fair.

This is why I have so much anxiety. There is no secure thing in the world other than Jesus, which is really good news, but also terrifying because all I want is to be secure- to know that as I pray over my own babies and ask God for His hand of protection to be over them that I can trust that it will. And although I know it will, it could look really ugly compared to what I pictured as I prayed.

I can't see beginning from end. I can't see anything beyond today and sometimes I am too caught up in yesterday to even see that clearly.

All my worry is caught up in my unwavering awareness of the fragility of life. I am so overly aware of how quick it comes and then goes leaving little to be remembered beyond a generation or so.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

My own fears, the ones that debilitate and break me far too often are found at the foot of this false idol I call "security". She is made of stone, tall and powerful. She is fields of flowers and smiling happy faces. She is guardian angels and hymns of peace. I bring my offerings but she cannot offer me any one thing. Because as JJ Heller so beautifully sang, "safety is not for sale".

Oh how I wish it was. I wish I could buy my children's lives into old age. My own. I wish I could see into tomorrow and the day after knowing that everything would simply "be alright".

Everything simply won't. Not here.

And I need, so much I need, my faith and trust in the bigger picture and the sovereignty of God to match my understanding of the fragility of life.

Because there really is purpose. There really is a bigger picture. It isn't all for nothing.

"Jesus loves me, this I know."