It has been so long since I have blogged that blogger has completely changed its format. Fantastic.
Sometimes I find that I am walking in circles- that what I thought I was free from still grips me, even with its pinky finger. I realized recently that I am at the same rock I started walking away from this time last year. I walked and walked and walked and did really well staying away from that rock until I ended up right back at it. How does that happen? Or, why, is a much better question.
How can my mind stay so deceived that even I don't realize I am still deceived?? I do the right things and I say all the right things- I project all that is well and good and stable but my mind is still so backwards about some stuff. I have the answers and I know what to do- but when it comes to doing it I can't get around myself. I have these ideas so ingrained in me that no matter how hard I push or pull or pluck to remove them- to get them out of me, they always become settled back in, as if to say "We are who you are and that is that." So many people will confess this idea as truth because change is hard and acceptance is easy...but I know better. I know God is a God of deliverance and longs so desperately to break the chains that bind us- so why am I still bound?? Why am I gripping my own chains, white knuckled, holding on for dear life as if I wouldn't know what to do without them or be without them or focus on without them? How can you want something more than anything yet be the only thing in your own way of getting it?
Lord, how do I turn my face to you- so up and forwards towards you that anything else fades so far into the background that I forget its existence? How do I seek first YOUR kingdom instead of my own understanding of life or whatever else like it? How do I love and trust you enough to allow you to overcome me....because as much as you may like to, I am my own barricade. I don't like this rock, and although it may have been handed to me, like so many skeletons in closets, I don't have to chose to keep it. Give me the self control and discipline to just chuck it, or at the very least walk away from it and make a path that is non circular.
