Remembering.

Most of you know my ongoing struggle with depression, anxiety and OCD. I don't mention the OCD much, but that is probably the biggest problem these days. I am not compulsive, I deal primarily with obsessive thinking...if you can legitimately call that a disorder. I think terrible, ugly, awful things- for no reason and then I get anxious about having thought them. Anyhow, that isn't the point of this. So, I have had this on and off war with medication. To be on, or not to be on. I currently am, and it is working well 3 weeks out of every month. Perhaps you can guess the one week it does not take full effect. I am not giving you a hint.
Nothing major changes that particular week- life just becomes a bit more of a struggle. My thinking is a bit out of control and I can feel my anxiety peaking for no reason at all. It feels a lot worse that it actually is, after having 3 good weeks in a row. I became agitated today with my anxiety. I was just pissed off that I was dealing with it. I kept trying to figure out why I had to have one bad week. Why everything couldn't just go as it should regardless of what time of the month it is. Can I not just get a break? I gave in- I am on the meds. I am working not to feel like a complete and utter giver-upper for caving to pharmaceuticals- CAN THEY NOT JUST DO THEIR JOB ALL MONTH?!?!!?
Then I remembered being off meds. I thought about lying in bed just waiting to crash. Just waiting for God to cut the strings and allow me to hit the bottom. I imagine Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible. I was just hanging, inches from the floor- knowing at any moment I would no longer be suspended at all. And then what? A mental institution? I know that sounds dramatic, particularly if you have never dealt with severe mental issues- but I was sure my mind was going to win, and it would be the death of me. Only, it didn't and it wasn't, and I NEVER hit bottom. My nose did not so much as graze the floor. I have been in that same place a handful of times in my life, and God has never dropped me. I remembered as I cursed the dreaded "week", that if I can get through months and months of hanging by a thread, I can surely get through a week. Not even just get through, but conquer. I may have to pull up my boot straps, throw up a few more prayers, and focus a little more on deep breaths, but we got this. I need to be thankful for what I have. Thankful that somehow humans have created the proper mixture of chemical compounds to keep me from spending everyday in bed, missing this precious life. Thankful that even if my hormones get a bit out of whack- it's just a bit, just enough to keep me on my toes. Just enough to remind me that yes, medicine is a good thing- but God is the best thing...only He can help me renew my mind every day, of every week, of every month.