Dear God,

I just finished up Mere Christianity by CS Lewis. He spends a lot of time in the end talking about losing yourself in order to find yourself. Giving yourself up so that you may gain your real self. The one who is found only in Christ. My heart likes this idea. It sounds selfless and whole. Losing myself, in order to gain you, sounds exactly like what I was purposed to do from the start. My head thinks this idea is ridiculous. How does one, lose oneself, when oneself is the whole of what one is made of? I am not made of you, you just live in me. How do I throw away the me you created to live in, in order to become more like you? Do you see my confusion? How do I stop thinking of myself if I have to think of myself in order to live? I want to understand. More than that I want to be able to act this out. If you gave me my dreams, do I only reach them by throwing them away? Do I only become the person I want to be by stopping my own lame attempts, and admitting that they are just that, lame? Is it really possible to submerse myself so fully in you that all my passions and dreams are met just by existing as your daughter? Are my passions your passions? Sometimes I hear that you gave them to me, that they are with purpose. But if I am to lose myself, that means believing that maybe my ideas aren't your ideas. I suppose that would be okay. I don't however suppose I will fully understand this concept as a whole.
Do you mean that losing myself may mean, instead of mentally checking out for afternoon when my children are driving me mad, I stay and display my love and affection towards them by giving them even MORE attention despite their complete and utter annoyance? Do you mean I should not be so concerned with "me time", with my needs and want and desires....and just think about yours? What you would want me to say and do? This clearly is not my nature- I suppose you are suggesting that I do all these things completely unnaturally, until they become part of who I am genuinely. I "fake it till I make it".
You have guessed by now that I do have some understanding of all this- even if in my first paragraph I seemed like a fish out of water. I get it. I mean, I don't GET IT, but I get it. That is not to say I am any good at it. I'm not. The little bit of you that I have accomplished displaying at any point in my life is only by grace- because truthfully I am a disaster. And, I think that is close to where you want me to be. I don't think I will always be a disaster- in fact there have been times in my life when I was much less of a disaster than I am now- it is only when I become pious about any of it that things go really downhill. It is when I become really good, that I think I am good enough. It is at that time I end up back where I started, as a complete disaster.
I am rambling. What I need is this: I need you to show me how to lose me. I need you to teach me how to let go of what I think I so desperately need. I need you to make sure I stay as honest about all of this as I am in this very moment. I need you to remind me that it isn't about devotional time, or praying or reading or listening to sermons (even though those are important components)- but it is all about remaining open with myself and you and all your other kids about where I am and the fact that I can't do it alone. I need you to keep showing me you- even if I don't always recognize whats happening.
Show me how to stop leading, and just follow.

Love,
Brooks