As-Is-Edness

Not too long ago someone attempted to insult me with a statement about my absolute lack of introspection. It would have been really hurtful, except that it was so ridiculously far from the truth that it was really just laughable, and then confusing, because have you met me? 99% of my time is spent in introspect. Myself, under a microscope controlled by me. It takes up a lot of my time, and, I am learning, causes so much more harm than good.

In my last post I talked about having the crazy and the feeling of running in circles, not being able to turn off my mind. I talked about my new therapist and a few starter points she made that really resonated with me, the most important I think being that I need to start practicing a little more self love, something that absolutely cannot and will not occur looking at myself under a microscope. Shortly after that post I drove up to Atlanta to surprise my dad for his birthday. It is our practice when I am there, to stay up way too late sitting at the dining room table or standing in the kitchen, talking about God and life and then the combo of the two. And one of the first nights I was there and talking to him about therapy and all my many issues he asked me this:

"So, when do you think you will just be done? I mean, when will you get to a place where you have the tools you need and can just move on as is."

"As is".

"Uhm, never." Is what I felt like would be the honest response. "You mean, as is as is? Like just the way I am, with all the crazy intact? No. absolutely not. I will fight till I die, I will shrink till I die, I will not "as is" for the rest of my life. I simply cannot."

Key word here, "I". I will fight I will shrink I will work I will self help I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I.

How did I ever get so far from HE. I started off over a year ago on this med free journey in complete reliance on Him and although the road was rocky here I stand. I don't know at what point I got so wrapped back up in my own ability, my own plan, my own war, that I completely failed to honestly acknowledge that I am IN HIM and need not rely on ANY of my own anything because the truth is that I have very little to contribute in the way of fixing even my smallest problems.

Not only that, but my "I" nature is complete self absorption. "What is wrong with me, how do I fix me, how can I make me better?" Now, to the world this looks really noble. It lines up so brilliantly with the "make yourself happy" way of life the media preaches to the masses. But what it is, what it really is in my relationship with God, is sin. It is its own form of vanity and arrogance. Furthermore, my unwillingness to accept my faults, my humanity, the things that allow me to recognize I am actually in NEED of God, is so effing prideful I can't even hardly stand to talk about it. And my shame. The shame I feel in my anxiety and in my obsessive nature. I am embarrassed and where is Jesus in ANY OF  THAT????

I don't know when I thought I had become so equipped to fight these enormous battles on my own, or when I decided it was up to me to make me better, because all the self control in the world can't change who I am. And who I am is a lot of things. I am not sure all the therapy in the world could fix my anxiety, fix my tendency to obsess, fix my neurosis, fix me. BUT I do know, that this man named Paul- one of the most amazing, brilliant men of all time who was GREATLY used by God had this thorn in his side. A thorn that God put there to keep him humble. And it must have sucked because he asked God three times to remove it from him. God never told Paul "no", but he responded with something so much more powerful than "yeah okay Paul," or "no" could have ever been. He told him, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness."

GUYS. This is so easy. This means "as is" in Christ is exactly what I am supposed to be. And I know somewhere deep down I already knew that and had functioned in it on and off for years now, but today this is like a revelation. Because it means I am okay. I am more than okay, I am in His image and it is only my own sin- vanity, pride, shame, idolatry, that is keeping me from being whole, content and humbled by my own "as-is-edness".

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12: 7-10