Perhaps I was not this way as a child, I honestly don't remember, but life and circumstance have a way of creating in you the person you become, rather than the other way around. None of us just "are"- we are made into ourselves, (which is precisely why it is so maddening when people use "just the way they are" as an excuse not to change).
Somewhere along the line I must have felt very unheard, and it makes sense if you know anything about my life. I took this need to be heard and made it into something very tangible. I wore weird clothes and styled my hair differently and eventually became pierced and tattooed because if I couldn't be heard I would at least be seen. I think I was able to recognize this honestly about 7 years ago, by which time I had aquired enough tattoo's to cover a large portion of my body. If the seeing wasn't enough, I was also doing. I was obnoxious and sailor mouthed and promiscuous. Someone was going to know I was there be it for me or against me.
And then I re-found Jesus and I mellowed out a lot. A LOT. But I remained outspoken, ready to spill my guts and my secrets and my damage to anyone who was willing to listen. There is power in authenticity, but being real doesn't mean leaking all your hurts into the laps of people who have no idea what to do with them. Presentation and timing are key- a difficult lesson I learned along the way (not near quickly enough).
SO here I am, and there is a nagging lately. I have felt it before but not so strong as this. It is a pulling of unfinished business between me and God.
It is the business of silence.
I have made great strides in understanding and slowly changing my need to be seen and heard. But I have never learned how to just be quiet. The skill of saying nothing even when I have valid things to say. The strength that comes with silence.
I have been told many times, by many people that what I have said has moved them, shook them, made them feel something. I know I have a voice and not because I am begging for one but because God gave me one before I ever knew it was there. I know there is something to be said for expressing yourself and that this is of mighty importance especially when expressing you is also expressing the love of God.
However,
It is time for me to be quiet. It is time to listen rather than speak. I know God will prompt me to say things, but I want it to be FULLY Him. It is time to put the last piece of the puzzle in this area of my life. I am confident its presence will create a picture of self assurance in Him alone.
"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."
Proverbs 29:11
"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the
putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your
adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty
of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
1 Peter 3:3-4
"....in quietness and in trust shall be your strength..."
Isaiah 30:15
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