If you have ever read my blog you know my major issues with body image. Eating disorders, over exercising, consideration of plastic surgery...the list goes on and on.
A few weeks ago after much consideration I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a breast augmentation consult. I had completely convinced myself that it was justified and even necessary for me to feel good about myself. I have had two kids, Presley nursed the life out of my boobs and they would never be what they were or what I felt they should be. I am young! I shouldn't feel like I can't wear halter tops or strapless dresses! It is such a non evasive surgery, totally common, rarely complicated and totally popular. Just do it. That is what I was telling myself, as well as what family and close friends responded when I mentioned it to them. Granted, I didn't actually mention it to the handful of friends I have who would have put me in my place, because I didn't want to be in my place I wanted to act irrationally justified by the world I live in. You have to understand this is something I have talked about on and off for years, but only now was I serious enough that I made the consult appointment and was quite certain that when I went I would leave with an appointment date.
I was fighting every second of my real self, the God in me, telling me I was making a mistake. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about having ridiculous eye grabbing boobs, it was "corrective" surgery, a way to restore something that was "damaged" by childbearing. I was imagining all the adorable sassy summer pj's I would buy and the bathing suits and the halter tops and the blah blah blah blah blah. And then it hit me.
This is the most ridiculous thing on the planet. Why do I care about my boobs? My husband, (though he was excited about the idea of big fake boobs), loves my boobs just as they are. The state they are in after bearing two of the most amazing kids on the planet have never turned him off or somehow caused intimacy issues. Quite the opposite actually. Why is it somehow all of a sudden "important" that I have some new halter top collection? Why can I not just find a bathing suit I am comfortable in with my boobs the way they are? How have I so totally been convincing myself that plastic SURGERY in order to have some man or woman's ideal breasts on my body is totally acceptable? MY body.
My body that is so far from perfection I cannot even tell you. I don't type fast enough to finish listing my imperfections before the sun goes down. I don't think blogger would let me write anything that long. In fact, my breasts aren't even my biggest insecurity. If I am going to have a boob job I really should throw in a tummy tuck because that S is a mess. In fact I might as well make that consult for a full "Mommy Makeover"! Lets just lift and tuck and suck and enhance everything because based on societies beauty ideals, I need it. Oh, and electrolysis. Lets be hairless while we are at it.
I can't do it anymore. I won't. Maybe, my body is exactly how God intended it to be after childbearing. Maybe if I was supposed to have big, high boobs my whole life I would have been designed that way. Maybe the changes in my body, at any age, that I somehow think are for the worst, are just Gods way of reminding me that it isn't all about me, and it certainly isn't all about how I LOOK. Maybe my physical imperfections should serve as a reminder that my husband loves and adores ME. Who I am, what I DO, how I THINK....and if that is true then who cares what any other man or woman thinks?
So I went from making a consult appointment 2 weeks ago to buying a bikini last night. It isn't tasteless or stringy or revealing but I haven't worn one since I was 18. I have stretch marks and cellulite, small breasts and wide hips. My tummy crinkles around my belly button from having been so enormous during pregnancies...but for the first time in my real adult, mother, wifey life- I put on the bathing suit and felt amazing. First bathing suit I tried on this year, a bikini, I bought it, and I cannot wait till summer.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." -Proverbs 31:30
No comments:
Post a Comment