I haven't been excited about church for a year. I haven't been going the past few months and I say it's because I am working, which I am, but it's also because I just haven't wanted to. When I do go, I am happy to be there and my church is amazing. The church is not the problem, I am. I could say a lot of different things about what the problem may or may not be, but the bottom line, which I discovered this morning at church, is that I have accepted and become satisfied with mediocrity in my relationship with God and I have resigned myself to failure in terms of what I will accomplish in said relationship.
I cannot tell you when I last read my Bible. Really, I have no idea. I don't want to. I would rather sit on the couch for 4 hours at a time watching Breaking Bad on Netflix or sit on Facebook or stare at a wall even. I don't want to read my Bible because I don't want to have to think about things I know I cannot understand and I don't want to be held accountable. I just want to truck along doing my own thing knowing God is there and He loves me and I love him and lets all just get along and do whatever and grace, man. Not that I am doing anything crazy like smoking refer and listening to rock music but I am defiantly worshiping some false idols and purposefully ignoring the call on my life to be IN relationship with God.
This morning at church pastor Ed Noble spoke in terms of "Ultimate Values". He said there are things that "matter" and things that are of "value" and it is important to distinguish the two and treat things accordingly. I have been a Jesus follower for 9 years and I can honestly say that the past year (perhaps longer), I have simply allowed my "matters" to become "values". Hell I've even allowed things that don't matter at all to become values. I don't know why I have done this. I could blame it on a lot of things but at the end of the day it is just that I have chosen to put myself in charge. I have trusted God for nothing because I haven't extended my faith to a place that requires trust. I have been functioning in the knowledge of God and His love for me, convincing myself that my ultimate salvation is what is really important. Important as it may be, how much is more doing Gods work HERE and NOW, being the kind of person that invites others into the same grace I have for lack of a better term been abusing??
Pastor Ed also talked about fire. Fire for God and passion and drive and FIRE. I feel like I must represent the opposite of all that. I'm the charred, damp wood sitting in the fire pit. I have chosen this. It sucks. I vaguely remember what it feels like to be so stoked about what God is doing that I eat, dream and breath excitement. I'm not even sure I have believed that to be possible for me in a long time. My faith is not even a mustard seed. I am hesitant to start devotional time because I know before I start I will stop 5 days in. I swear if I buy another journal and fill the first 5 pages and then stop....and somehow this "failure" dictates to my subconscious that I might as well not do anything.
I am not sure when or how or why I lost sight of so many truths. Truths that I am more than well aware of. I don't know why I have allowed myself to nonchalantly drag my feet downhill when I should be marching up. I don't know exactly how I plan to change things- or how God is gonna use all this new realization to change me but I really hope when it is January 6, 2014, I can look back and blog about something other than how I have let myself down. I hope I am not so jaded. I hope I can look at my values and know that they are worth valuing.
"The marking of time is Gods whisper stating 'You are not here forever...." -Ed Noble
*This is not a pity me blog. This is not a I need you to tell me what a nice and loving and caring person I am and how things I have said to you have really helped you or whatever- I know. Not to be arrogant, but I know. I know God has used me and always will regardless of my shortcomings, this is not about that, so please refrain from telling me I am being to hard on myself. I'm not. I'm being honest and I'm not sad or upset or pouting, I am relieved and ready to work towards something new.*
Brooks, you are an amazing woman and I won't tell you you are being too hard on yourself! You know what to do and looks like you've taken the first step. You don't have to understand He will tell you what you need to know. Listen. Love, Randee
ReplyDelete