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Monday, October 8, 2012

The Things I Already Know That I Am Choosing to Really Know.

Sweet title huh?

If you have known me for any period of time you know my ongoing battle with eating and exercise. If you don't know me that well I will break it down for you simply: I have issues. I always have, since as far back as I can remember. I have ranged from not eating, to binging, to purging to never exercising to non stop exercise, never finding a true balance and never just being happy with myself. I have moments, sometimes days or weeks where I have this epiphany about all of it and do really well, and then "BAM!" I end up back at square one. In fact, I am pretty sure I have started many a blog with this exact same paragraph.
That to say, I have been doing the exercise program Insanity for a few weeks now and it is BRUTAL. Like, not normal brutal. It's all about "digging deeper" and "creating a better you". The instructor and creator says over and over, "I'm not trying to kill you, just trying to make you better!" It occurred to me today as I stood dripping sweat, barely breathing in my kitchen on my 30 second water break that the whole program is ridiculous. Like many other exercise programs it's all about "transforming" your body. If you google pictures you are sure to find an uncountable amount of photos of people who have had amazing results. People who have gone from flab to fab! Here's what finally hit me: transform my body into what? Into a hard ab-ed, tight assed push up machine? For what? What am I "digging deeper" to? I am spending appx 40min a day beating my body into the ground, looking for results that mean absolutely nothing to anyone other than myself. AND, probably not even to myself, because if I ever got to the point where I actually see results in my body I will just find something else not to like. I don't need a body transformation, the body is just a vessel. It says nothing about who I am and what I am here for. It is a temple I get to kind of own for awhile and then it's dust. Furthurmore, my body, as is, has done some pretty awesome stuff. I've carried and birthed two babies, danced all night with friends, run a 5k, given millions of hugs and worn AWESOME clothes (daily). I use it to cuddle and play at the park with my kids. This body is home to my hands that move and create art, or something like it. I get to decorate it however I want and it has yet to fail me. My body is not what needs transformation, but my mind does.
God I have spent so much of my life caught up and dominated by whether or not my thighs touch or my ass jiggles. I eat whatever, I eat nothing, I barf everything. I stand in front of mirrors and suck in, stick out, suck in, stick out. I hide the scale and then dig it out, I weigh everyday and not for months. I run, I elliptical, I Zumba, I Insanity and all of it leaves me in the same place because my body is not the problem. My mind is the problem. This is not a new revelation, but I feel like it is time to actively start living out what I know and what I know is this: I need Jesus. He is the only one who can get my head straight about this nonsense and keep it that way. He is the only one who can honestly remind me what my worth really is and why it is important to focus on that instead of everything temporary. I don't want to get to 40 or 50 or 60 and still be fighting this losing battle trying to be something that no one said I have to be except me. It is time to start actively choosing something better for myself. JOY. ACCEPTANCE. HEALTH- rather than extreme over working in order to weigh less and wear a smaller jeans.
I know I will fail somewhere along the line. I know I will have a day where I freak out about something I ate and wanna throw up or go run. I know I will look in the mirror at times and dislike what I see. But right now, I am choosing to focus on what is real, and meaningful and eternal- and those things are not my body.

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