Just Me.

I have spent a lot of my Christian life working really hard to be the best version of me. Not working for the approval of God, but working to be, seem, act, do better than I feel, am or be. I don't think this is wrong, but I also don't think it is right.

First off, the best version of me, on it's own, still sucks and the only reason I am even remotely capable of not sucking is because Jesus. Before someone gets all, "But I don't believe in Jesus and I am a good person" on me, that may work for you and that is great, but in my own life, without Jesus, I suck. That to say, it is only the Holy Spirit working in me that allows me to be a good version of anything. Yes, I can take minimal credit for generally heeding the still small voice and continually seeking, knocking and striving for growth even when it is painful. However, it isn't "ME" that is getting me better, it's Him. When I try and get me better what I find I am actually doing is just heavily critiquing myself which only causes self loathing and pushing away from my faults rather than accepting them and handing them over to God. It's highly counterproductive, exhausting, and generally impossible in aiding in the bettering of self.

Lately, not surprisingly as I have been reading a lot about grace, I have felt that still small voice reminding me in my weakest moments, in the moments when I feel things I don't want to feel, think things I don't want to think, or do things I don't want to do, that who I am right now is okay. Who I am today, in this moment, completely incomplete, sinful and broken, is more than okay. I am so okay right now that if Jesus were here he would totally eat dinner with me. He would come over to my house with my unbelieving husband and break bread with us, as we are, no strings, no expectations other than for us to receive Him. He would ask me to follow him, and in doing so I would become complete regardless of all the dumb things I will continue to think and feel and do.

Don't get me wrong. Growing is great. Listening to the still small voice will only bring good things. It helps us in every aspect of life on this planet when we grow. But if we don't- if we are stubborn, hard headed slow learners who can't seem to find a way to lay ourselves down, not only are we still loved and accepted by Christ, but we are also still in the running to be used greatly by him.

Today I am working really hard to accept all the things I am, and I am a lot of things. A lot of things I don't like. Things I mask or push away from, only to find myself right back where I started because they are simply part of my humaness. Maybe God will get to them in this lifetime and maybe He won't, but they don't make me any less loved or any less usable. I am willing to change, willing to grow, willing to look in deep and see myself in all my broken glory- but for the first time in this Christian walk of mine, I am also ready to be unapologetically me, exactly where I am, sin and faults included. I am ready accept that on any given day I am just as much the prodigal son as I am the older brother, and wrong is wrong whether it looks right or not.