Authenticity.

I was greatly complimented recently, by someone who knows very little about me. The compliment reads:

By the way, I was told recently by two different people about what an awesome and authentic representative you are for Jesus and that you have the respect of these people. One person said that you live your life in a way that makes that person want what you have. Praise the Lord!                                  


Instead of being excited about this, I immediately felt pressure. I had just finished a fantastic evening with fantastic friends full of close to all 7 of the deadly sins on some level. It was no drunken orgy, but we were nowhere near thoughtful conversation about Christ, either. I thought about my night, and my friends, and how my guess was that none of them left thinking, "Man, that Brooks is such an authentic representation of Jesus!" I thought about my life and what it has looked like recently, which is an ongoing struggle with my faith as a whole. Lying in bed with my husband who doesn't know or understand God and feeling like I was closer to that side of the spectrum than I have been in years and years. Waking up feeling absolutely nothing about God except confusion. Finding myself in moments and days when I don't even push anymore, I just bend, because it is easier to conform than fight.

I read something recently that states, "I meet so many people who have "superwhatever" rattling around in their head. They have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they picked up over the years of how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk, and it's like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear. And the only way not to be killed by it is to shoot it first. You have to kill superwhatever. And you have to do it right now. Because your superwhatever will rob you of today and tomorrow and the next day until you take it out back and end its life. Go do it."

My superwhatever is perfecting Christianity in myself. Being the perfect example of who Jesus was, which means saying and doing and loving exactly the way that God, the creator of the universe did- superchristian. It is supermom. Superhomeschooler. Superwife. Superfriend. Superperson. What I realized reading this is, 1) How arrogant of me. 2) Where is the breathing room? Where is the slack when you can just be? 3) How come I still haven't grasped the completeness of the fact that I am loved just because I am. Just because I exist. And, that I will never be exactly what God has intended me to be when I spend all my time trying to be superanything.

All of this to say, I will take the above compliment. I will claim it as mine. As who I am. I say the wrong thing a lot of the time. I laugh at inappropriate jokes, and sometimes I even tell them. I struggle with vanity, lust, envy and pride everyday. I wrestle with myself- who I am and who I want to be. I wrestle with God, and the Bible and theology and ideas that I know I will never understand or be able to verbally explain to unbelievers. These are EXACTLY the things that make me authentic in my relationship with Jesus. I am completely and wholly imperfect. I know what perfection looks like because I read the gospels, but I also know I won't ever be Jesus, and I am not supposed to be. I am just supposed to be ME. The best ME I can be. And thankfully, grace fills the gaps.