I could write a ton of different things here. I could write about parenting and how hard it is and all the things my kids are teaching me about myself or how I have no idea what I am doing most of the time. I could write about marriage and how hard that is and how my husband is constantly teaching me about myself and how I have no idea what I am doing most of the time. I could write about the fact that I am about to be homeschooling for 3 months and all that I am learning as I gather all the stuff I need to do it. I am always learning.
But right now, for this blog, I am going to write about something I feel like God has been showing me, learning me, over some time now. I haven't arrived in this area. I don't understand it all. I don't have answers and I am still working through it. Luckily, God is patient. That to say, if I say something here that doesn't sound right, forgive me- learning. This is not an advice blog, this is just me working something out with Jesus and giving you a sneak peek.
It started with a book. The book is called "My Name is Hope", written by John Comer. I read it around this time last year, right as I was coming off meds. It came by way of Amazon, purchased for me by a friend who knew I was struggling. The book is written by a Pastor guy who struggled with anxiety and depression, and is intended to give hope outside of medication for others. This book changed my life. I took a lot from it, but more than anything I came to the conclusion that anxiety is the consequence of idolatry. If you believe that God is above all things, with your best interest at heart all the time, no matter what, and that faith/trust is the center of your life, you cannot worry because worry would mean you aren't actually trusting God. Worry means your faith is in other things.
So I started thinking about what I have made an idol of that keeps me anxious. Like most Americans, the biggest one is safety. I want to be safe. I want good health. I want to avoid suffering at all costs. Furthermore, I want my kids to have those same things. Don't get me wrong, it is totally okay and completely normal to desire the best life possible for you and yours.
However (and here is the learning curve)....
The only thing that is actually best for you and everyone else, is the advancement of God's Kingdom. That means, more people coming to know Jesus and having the option of eternal relationship with God. This means that GOD is the ONLY THING that matters. And if that is true, everything we care about- kids, spouses, family, friends- are just a bonus.
They are simply gifts, from a Giver.
I think more often than not we turn the gifts into idols, rather than idolizing the Giver and His ability to give them.
I think we decide what we think is "bad" not based on trusting in the Giver and His ultimate plans, but based on what is hard, and what hurts. Then, sometimes, we blame the Giver for all the hurt and the hard stuff, forgetting that He was the one who gave anything we had to lose or struggle with to begin with.
To be less abstract, God has brought into my life via different forms of media over the past year, a handful of people who were in the process of or have lost a child (worth mentioning- all of the people I will speak about are Jesus followers). Now I must preface all this by saying there was a time a few years back when I would have told you that if I lost one of my children I don't know where that would leave me with God. I would have admitted that such a circumstance, (the worst I can possibly imagine), would absolutely make me question any sort of "divine plan". Because children dying is not fair. It has to be hands down one of the worst things to occur on the planet and I just didn't have faith that I could process such a thing in conjunction with a loving God.
So I have watched these strangers, on Instagram, on Facebook. I have watched them lose what I imagine all of us struggle not to make an idol of- our children. I have watched consequently, the out pouring of love for these people. I have watched them hurt and be angry and then hurt again and then have a good day, rinse and repeat over and over for a year. And, I have watched their grieving open the door for others who have been in similar positions to grow and to grieve perhaps better than they were or not feel so alone. I have watched the death of a child not only grow the souls of their parents, but also help and grow all the souls watching from afar. I have watched God take the worst, most "bad", hardest thing I can imagine and grow it into something that advances His Kingdom. Something that shows others His face. His love. His grace. His availability.
I mean, we are talking about the guy who sacrificed HIS son for the sake of all the dirty, no good, lying, cheating, wife beating, murdering, drunken, sexually perverse, thieving humans from Jesus' death till he shows back up on earth. His ability to use the death of a child for the good of something really shouldn't come as such a surprise.
Here is what I am getting at. God is ALL GOOD. He can't do bad, it's impossible. Cancer is bad. Childhood cancer is worse. Babies falling asleep and never waking up for no apparent reason is torture. It is awful and I don't mean to take away from that. But death is a part of life no matter how old we are. Losing things is a part of living be it death or the end of a relationship or a home or whatever. The key to dealing with it, coming out the other side well, is KNOWING that God really is STILL GOOD despite EVERYTHING. And that GOOD doesn't mean making sense. GOOD doesn't mean us getting what we think we need and want. GOOD isn't everyone we love never suffering. GOOD IN THIS CONTEXT ONLY MEANS GOD WORKING FOR HIMSELF WHICH INEVITABLY MEANS ALL OF US. People we know and don't know. People across the whole planet. All the things, the births the deaths the losses the wins- they have a ripple effect and God USES that.
I used to think nothing "bad" was God's will. It couldn't be because God is all good. And then in the midst of this- what has been a year long learning curve, I came to a scripture I have read a gazillion times. Matt 10:28 says, "Aren’t sparrows sold for next to nothing, two for an penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s consent." CONSENT. That means He said "Okay. Fall." That means He not only knows, but He consented for even the things we consider to be "bad".
What is to be learned then, is that bad is not bad at all. If it happened it is because He consented, which means there is an amazing good to be found in whatever it is. Maybe we won't see it this side of eternity. We aren't supposed to know everything. We aren't supposed to have all the answers. We are only supposed to BELIEVE that God is who He says He is- which is a GOOD GOD WHO LOVES US. And if we can get to a place where that really is more true than anything else, perhaps our definition of "bad" will change also. We are so linear. So stuck in time. God is just so not, and it makes it impossible for us to grasp SO MUCH. That too, has to be okay.
End note: In the beginning God created us to live eternally in relationship with Him. It was the bad decisions of humans that altered this reality- that opened our eyes to death. God knew that would happen, but that doesn't mean he made it happen. The fact that it DID happen means we live in a broken world. God will make the best of this brokenness if we let Him. He is always willing to work with whats broken. All that to say- don't take from this blog "God gives babies cancer so they die and He can do something with it." NO. Not what I am saying. God doesn't give babies cancer, this broken place and all our bad decisions from beginning of time to now gives babies cancer. God simply works within the broken lives we lead in order to make it the best it can be- which this side of eternity will still be broken. The only time we will see and experience true WHOLENESS will be in heaven.
End note II: Don't forget I said I was learning and maybe, for all my theologian friends reading (HA), there are things here that don't line up. I am okay with that. God is giving me little bits at a time and I don't have anything resembling a pulpit so no need to be worried I am preaching some sort of false gospel.
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