Not too long ago someone attempted to insult me with a statement about my absolute lack of introspection. It would have been really hurtful, except that it was so ridiculously far from the truth that it was really just laughable, and then confusing, because have you met me? 99% of my time is spent in introspect. Myself, under a microscope controlled by me. It takes up a lot of my time, and, I am learning, causes so much more harm than good.
In my last post I talked about having the crazy and the
feeling of running in circles, not being able to turn off my mind. I talked
about my new therapist and a few starter points she made that really resonated
with me, the most important I think being that I need to start practicing a
little more self love, something that absolutely cannot and will not occur
looking at myself under a microscope. Shortly after that post I drove up to
Atlanta to surprise my dad for his birthday. It is our practice when I am
there, to stay up way too late sitting at the dining room table or standing in
the kitchen, talking about God and life and then the combo of the two. And one
of the first nights I was there and talking to him about therapy and all my
many issues he asked me this:
"So, when do you think you will just be done? I mean,
when will you get to a place where you have the tools you need and can just
move on as is."
"As is".
"Uhm, never." Is what I felt like would be the
honest response. "You mean, as is as is? Like just the way I am, with all
the crazy intact? No. absolutely not. I will fight till I die, I will shrink
till I die, I will not "as is" for the rest of my life. I simply
cannot."
Key word here, "I". I will fight I will shrink I
will work I will self help I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I.
How did I ever get so far from HE. I started off over a year
ago on this med free journey in complete reliance on Him and although the road
was rocky here I stand. I don't know at what point I got so wrapped back up in
my own ability, my own plan, my own war, that I completely failed to honestly
acknowledge that I am IN HIM and need not rely on ANY of my own anything
because the truth is that I have very little to contribute in the way of fixing
even my smallest problems.
Not only that, but my "I" nature is complete self
absorption. "What is wrong with me, how do I fix me, how can I make me
better?" Now, to the world this looks really noble. It lines up so
brilliantly with the "make yourself happy" way of life the media preaches
to the masses. But what it is, what it really is in my relationship with God,
is sin. It is its own form of vanity and arrogance. Furthermore, my
unwillingness to accept my faults, my humanity, the things that allow me to
recognize I am actually in NEED of God, is so effing prideful I can't even
hardly stand to talk about it. And my shame. The shame I feel in my anxiety and
in my obsessive nature. I am embarrassed and where is Jesus in ANY OF THAT????
I don't know when I thought I had become so equipped to
fight these enormous battles on my own, or when I decided it was up to me to
make me better, because all the self control in the world can't change who I
am. And who I am is a lot of things. I am not sure all the therapy in the world
could fix my anxiety, fix my tendency to obsess, fix my neurosis, fix me. BUT I
do know, that this man named Paul- one of the most amazing, brilliant men of
all time who was GREATLY used by God had this thorn in his side. A thorn that
God put there to keep him humble. And it must have sucked because he asked God
three times to remove it from him. God never told Paul "no", but he
responded with something so much more powerful than "yeah okay Paul,"
or "no" could have ever been. He told him, "My grace is
sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness."
GUYS. This is so easy. This means "as is" in
Christ is exactly what I am supposed to be. And I know somewhere deep down I
already knew that and had functioned in it on and off for years now, but today
this is like a revelation. Because it means I am okay. I am more than okay, I
am in His image and it is only my own sin- vanity, pride, shame, idolatry, that
is keeping me from being whole, content and humbled by my own
"as-is-edness".
"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming
conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment
me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to
me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that
Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For
when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
