The God That I Can't Understand.

⁶ It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. ¹⁷ For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” ¹⁸ Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

¹⁹ One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?” ²⁰ But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” ²¹ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?

²² What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? ²³ What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory— ²⁴ even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles?

Romans 9:6-24

This is a really really difficult piece of scripture. At some point I even noted in my Bible with an arrow that this whole bit was "not fair". To the human eye, heart and mind it really isn't. Paul is basically telling us here that God's mercy on us has so much of nothing to do with us that even our own personal desire for God is only there because God granted it. He is saying that the hard heart, those people apart from God, has been hardened, or allowed to be hardened by God. He talks about Pharaoh, (the guy who was holding the Israelites captive and who not only suffered through an onslaught of plagues, but lost his first born son at Gods hand) and how He actually "raised him up" to make His own power known. To the reader this means God raised Pharaoh specifically to disobey Him so that God might show how powerful He actually is, and this meant the death of not only the Pharaohs son but ALL the first born sons in his city. God did that, on purpose. Furthermore, this passage asks us who we think we are to question any of this madness? How dare the clay ask the potter to explain itself. And then, it poses the question, "What if God actually designed people specifically to receive His wrath to make all the more glorious His mercy for those who will receive it? I think it is clear to see why, upon reading this, the gut reaction would be to ignore it, pretend it isn't actually there because who really wants to think through this mess, or to be angry because God isn't supposed to be creating people for the purpose of showing His wrath- that is so obviously, NOT FAIR. 

And that is what I thought. Past tense. I have struggled with this scripture in my own heart and mind for over a year, not constantly meditating on it but it never being far from my thoughts about God. It lines up beautifully with the theology of the unbeliever who says "How could a good God let bad things happen?" or,  "I don't want to worship a God who would allow.... ". At first glance this passage pretty much says, "Yep, He is a crazy God who wants to show His power at any cost and really doesn't have any of us in mind". But over time as I have thought about this, and then last night when I came upon this scripture again as part of my devotional, it became so abundantly clear to me what is true about God in this text and I think it is REALLY important so I want to lay it out for someone who needs it here. 

1. We are talking about the God of all of creation. The divine Creator. The one who holds the universe in His palm. Alpha and omega. Sovereign and omnipresent. NOTHING occurs without His awareness of it. NOTHING occurs with out His ALLOWANCE of it. YES we have free choice, YES people make bad decisions, NO God is not apart from ANY of it. That means the woman who was raped, God foresaw it. The couple that lost their baby to a hit and run, God foreknew it. He is a part of every single thing that occurs within humanity because HE KNEW US BEFORE WE WERE CREATED. This doesn't mean God "ordained, purposed or created" the bad things, we generally do a good job of that on our own, only that He saw it coming. And look, we can't escape the bad stuff. Humanity is on the fastest track of the Hot Mess Express and it isn't because of God, it's because of us. If the people who wanted God to swoop down and fix all that was wrong in the world recognized that that would literally mean the second coming and the end of life as we know it, maybe they wouldn't be so quick to ask for some sort of divine intervention. What I am getting at as this, God knows it all, sees it all, allows it all for reasons humans will NEVER be able to wrap their heads around because God cannot be known fully by the human mind and if He could He wouldn't be such an awe inspiring God. We cannot know God through logic because even the very nature of His love for us is completely illogical. We have to be able to acknowledge that our brains simply aren't big enough, and fill the gap with faith. 

2. If we believe number one, we have to believe number two, which is that God created some folks knowing they would be hurt and hardened, never coming to know Him. Essentially, He created them knowing the end result would not be eternity with Him. This is the first big stumbling block because if you are like me you DO NOT like that. I DO NOT like reading that I DO NOT like thinking that because why? Because I KNOW that God is LOVE. I know He is nothing but GOOD, but I equate this particular situation with BAD. BAD BAD BAD it is BAD BUSINESS. I have, in my mind, in my humanity, influenced by history and culture and also God given moral, decided what I find bad and good, or just and unjust and this doesn't fit into my "good box". The problem is that I am not any of the things I said God was above. I am not alpha or omega. I am not sovereign or omnipresent. I cannot in my human form, see beginning from end and this truth, if I chose to acknowledge it has to lead me to a place where I can honestly say "My concept, my ideology of what is good or bad or just or unjust, may not match up to that of the Creator, who sees what I cannot see and knows what I cannot know." And if this is true, then the loss of that baby, though heart wrenching and life changing had a bigger purpose. I can't see it. I may never see it in my lifetime but God saw it before I was even in my mothers womb. He saw it and He knew and He will use it for His ultimate good. I MUST be able to TRUST God and His unfathomable goodness despite what I see or feel or think. PERIOD...

3. ...which means I don't get to look up at the heavens and question the Maker. Yes, we all have moments and season of doubt and hurt and lack of understanding and we question God and faith and that is okay. But at the end of it we are left with two choices: 

1. In our frustration and lack of ability to understand the complexity and bigness of God, we get pissed. And we stay pissed because, "No God of mine is gonna allow me to hurt (even if it means I'll grow), and no God of mine is gonna let XYZ happen to me (even if it means advancing His kingdom) and no God of mine is gonna >insert gripe here<, because if I can't know it, understand it, put it in a pie chart I don't want it." And we either dislike God or stop believing in His existence altogether. I get this place. I understand what drives people here. Hurt hurts and when we can't reconcile it it turns to anger and sometimes the anger gets displaced. I get it. 

OR

2. In our frustration and lack of ability to understand the complexity and bigness of God, we can rest in what we DO know. I KNOW that the God of the Bible is a GOOD God because a bad God wouldn't give up the life of His son for me while I was still His enemy, ("While we were yet sinners Christ died for us"-Romans 5:8)), I KNOW God will take my hurt and suffering and USE IT not only to grow me but to help other people like me ("All things work for the good of those who love God" - Romans 8:28, "To all who mourn he will give a crown of beauty for ashes and exchange joy for mourning" -Isaiah 61:3), I KNOW that the peace and joy that my soul yearns for are found only in Him ("Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28, "And the peace which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7), I KNOW that despite ANY CIRCUMSTANCE I can dream or create or live out, GOD UNDOUBTEDLY LOVES ME ("For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whoever would believe in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." -John 3:16). THESE THINGS I KNOW. 

So the question becomes, "Can I live with what I don't know? Can I live with what I don't understand? Can I trust a God who is beyond my understanding in SO many ways? Can the clay trust that the potter will make exactly of him what was intended?" These are really hard questions, but I am more certain of my "yes" every single day, every moment I spend getting to know better this huge God. I can live with what I don't understand because what I know trumps everything I don't.

BAL-A-NCE

She waivers
Always tilting
Always shifted
Only ever momentarily
Fixed in equilibrium
Never long enough
To gather herself
There
Never long enough
To adjust
To the tension required
In order to balance

Because that is it
Isn't it?
There must be tension
In balance
Focus
Awareness
Work
Mindfulness
In order to maintain
Stability

Polarity is everywhere
In this steadiness
It is being fearful
Of  a God
Who commands me
Not to fear
It is believing I am
One in a million
While understanding
I am only one
Of millions
A wisp
A vapor
A chasing after the wind
It is to love myself
Without vanity
Because I am Your masterpiece
But also
Not nearly as beautiful
As a lily

I am feet slung
One on each side
Desperately
Trying to maintain
The symmetry
I know will
Make You proud
And failing
And flailing
And then
Finding again
My focus
My tension
My center
Which is You
And all the grace
I need 
To cover
My never ending
Ever present
Wobbling

Holes

"There's a hole in our soul that we fill with dope. And we're feeling fine."

-Marilyn Manson

You did not just misread that. I totally quoted Marilyn Manson because once upon a time long long ago I was a huge fan and while most everything he said gives me the total creeps now, this lyric has always stuck with me. I don't resonate with this because I was once or am still a drug user, I resonate with it because for as long as I can remember I have understood that hole. I have understood something that is a giant gaping wound leaking over into everything one day and a black hole swirling and sucking in everything around it the next. And then I found Jesus and slowly that enormous hole, that at one time if I were to illustrate it would have taken up more space on my person than anything else, began to shrink, but it didn't disappear. Its size and shape and function may vary according to which season of my life I am in and where I am struggling, but there is in fact, even with Jesus all up on it, a hole. 

I know where my hole came from. I know the people responsible for putting it there, at no fault of my own, and sometimes, under the right circumstances that hole that has at this point in my life become generally not more than a flesh wound, expands and reforms itself into what feels like that giant leaky pre Jesus swirling sucking black hole mess. And I don't expect for it to disappear. I do not think Jesus and my love for him is a magic hole fixer. Hole shrinker, hole coverer, hole filler, YES- hole fixer, no. Finding and loving and following Jesus doesn't undo your past. It frees you from shame and guilt and living there but it doesn't undo it all. There are consequences to life that we all must live with until the other side. But that is another blog. 

What I want to say is, so I have this hole that just is. Usually it is under my control, but sometimes it isn't and what I realized today is that when all of a sudden that hole feels ENORMOUS and open and like I cannot control it, I go about trying to fill it myself, and with all the wrong things because having an open wound hurts and no one wants to sit with that. I just flounder and flail like a fish on land looking for whatever will make that wound fill up or be covered and there is NOTHING at my disposal that will work, BECAUSE, it isn't MY job to fill it. It's Jesus' job. I am robbing Jesus of his job to cover and fill and shrink that wound by trying to do it myself. And not only does it not work, my quick fixes actually make it all so much worse. 

I don't care who you are, you have holes. What are you filling them with?

Just Me.

I have spent a lot of my Christian life working really hard to be the best version of me. Not working for the approval of God, but working to be, seem, act, do better than I feel, am or be. I don't think this is wrong, but I also don't think it is right.

First off, the best version of me, on it's own, still sucks and the only reason I am even remotely capable of not sucking is because Jesus. Before someone gets all, "But I don't believe in Jesus and I am a good person" on me, that may work for you and that is great, but in my own life, without Jesus, I suck. That to say, it is only the Holy Spirit working in me that allows me to be a good version of anything. Yes, I can take minimal credit for generally heeding the still small voice and continually seeking, knocking and striving for growth even when it is painful. However, it isn't "ME" that is getting me better, it's Him. When I try and get me better what I find I am actually doing is just heavily critiquing myself which only causes self loathing and pushing away from my faults rather than accepting them and handing them over to God. It's highly counterproductive, exhausting, and generally impossible in aiding in the bettering of self.

Lately, not surprisingly as I have been reading a lot about grace, I have felt that still small voice reminding me in my weakest moments, in the moments when I feel things I don't want to feel, think things I don't want to think, or do things I don't want to do, that who I am right now is okay. Who I am today, in this moment, completely incomplete, sinful and broken, is more than okay. I am so okay right now that if Jesus were here he would totally eat dinner with me. He would come over to my house with my unbelieving husband and break bread with us, as we are, no strings, no expectations other than for us to receive Him. He would ask me to follow him, and in doing so I would become complete regardless of all the dumb things I will continue to think and feel and do.

Don't get me wrong. Growing is great. Listening to the still small voice will only bring good things. It helps us in every aspect of life on this planet when we grow. But if we don't- if we are stubborn, hard headed slow learners who can't seem to find a way to lay ourselves down, not only are we still loved and accepted by Christ, but we are also still in the running to be used greatly by him.

Today I am working really hard to accept all the things I am, and I am a lot of things. A lot of things I don't like. Things I mask or push away from, only to find myself right back where I started because they are simply part of my humaness. Maybe God will get to them in this lifetime and maybe He won't, but they don't make me any less loved or any less usable. I am willing to change, willing to grow, willing to look in deep and see myself in all my broken glory- but for the first time in this Christian walk of mine, I am also ready to be unapologetically me, exactly where I am, sin and faults included. I am ready accept that on any given day I am just as much the prodigal son as I am the older brother, and wrong is wrong whether it looks right or not.

LGBT&JESUS

A few days ago a friend of mine on FB posted a link to a blog written to the Christian community. The premise of the blog was to remind Christians to be careful about what we say concerning Caitlyn Jenner (I would link it but my friend has since removed it from his page and I can't find it). While most of my peers were admiring the writing, it really pissed me off. It pissed me off because I believe that as Christians we have two jobs (Mark 12:29-31):

1. Love God
2. Love People

Our greatest commandment is to LOVE people and yet the largest portion of us probably really needed to read that article and be reminded that it absolutely IS NOT our job to sit and talk trash or point fingers or play judge. It is because so much of the Christian community does these things that people would rather remain broken, hurting and lost than be associated with us.

When I said some of these things on my friends page, as I do because saying the things is my thing, the response was completely typical in that all of them reverted back to "....but it is sin and they need to know because, eternity." Also, "Living in sin is different then having some sin and I don't believe that you can live in sin and be saved."

Let me say a few things here, things that I think Christians conveniently forget when talking about sexuality and gender and sin.

1. Idolatry is putting anything before God (not just worshiping golden calves but worshiping our money, stuff, kids, friends, TV shows etc). Idolatry is a sin. If you are living your life as Christian putting any such things before God, as most of us do, you are actually living in sin on a daily basis.

2. Divorce is a sin. Jesus rebuked even what the Jews had been told about divorce by saying:

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
“What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:2-9

He goes on to say that there are two reasons divorce is acceptable (Matt 5:31-32):

1) Infidelity
2) If an unbelieving husband/wife walks away from the marriage

It also says that anyone who gets divorced and then remarries is actually committing adultery, which is also sin. I could then say that if you are a person who is divorced and remarried you are living in the perpetual sin of adultery.

For some odd reason which I have yet to figure out or understand Christians have found a way to avoid, ignore and talk themselves out of these things, yet are terribly concerned about the souls of our LGBT brothers and sisters because the sin is SO great.

Some people say things like "The homosexuals can FEEL all the things they feel but they don't have to live the lifestyle because that is sin." I could then say, "The wife whose husband isn't attentive enough and stays too busy at work and drinks more than he should, she can FEEL like she deserves better but she doesn't have to go on to live that out because that is sin."

It makes no sense. It is a double standard all day and no amount of conservative dribble will change it, nor does it need to because JESUS.

JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS.

If we were even remotely capable of NOT living in some form of sin WHY in the world did God send Jesus? Why would you send your son to a death sentence if your people had it on lock in ANY SENSE OF THE WORD? You wouldn't. Just because you aren't gay or confused about your gender or bi curious does not mean you are not an absolute filthy wretch JUST AS in need of grace as the ENTIRETY of the rest of the planet. Just because you understand more, work harder at and feel more holy DOES NOT MEAN you hold the secret to relationship with God and all the "other" people don't.

The secret is GRACE and it ONLY COMES by way of JESUS. 

So stop it. Stop trying to justify pointing fingers because people need to know what they do is sin. What people need to know is that their sin does not define them and that despite all of it, past present and future, there is a God who loves them enormously and wants to be in relationship with them. What they need to know is that whether they ever figure out their sin, what it means, how to cope with it, how to change it, IF they have JESUS they have everything.

If you want to really help people, if you really want to exhibit this Jesus, JUST LOVE PEOPLE. Love them in their sin. Tell them He loves them in their sin. Then let the Holy Spirit do His job. We are robbing the Spirit of His job by constantly trying to change and reform people. That isn't for us and we SUCK at it.

Let me close with this. I am not exempt. I ride my holy high horse sometimes with the best of them. I am a human and I am a sinner and I am desperately in need of grace. ALL DAY EVERYDAY. I need to read this too. If you leave this blog with nothing else please leave with this:

If you don't understand someone. If you can't make sense of their choices and their lives, the most important thing you can do for them, the one thing that will no doubt demonstrate Jesus is to simply be kind to them. Be kind.

As-Is-Edness

Not too long ago someone attempted to insult me with a statement about my absolute lack of introspection. It would have been really hurtful, except that it was so ridiculously far from the truth that it was really just laughable, and then confusing, because have you met me? 99% of my time is spent in introspect. Myself, under a microscope controlled by me. It takes up a lot of my time, and, I am learning, causes so much more harm than good.

In my last post I talked about having the crazy and the feeling of running in circles, not being able to turn off my mind. I talked about my new therapist and a few starter points she made that really resonated with me, the most important I think being that I need to start practicing a little more self love, something that absolutely cannot and will not occur looking at myself under a microscope. Shortly after that post I drove up to Atlanta to surprise my dad for his birthday. It is our practice when I am there, to stay up way too late sitting at the dining room table or standing in the kitchen, talking about God and life and then the combo of the two. And one of the first nights I was there and talking to him about therapy and all my many issues he asked me this:

"So, when do you think you will just be done? I mean, when will you get to a place where you have the tools you need and can just move on as is."

"As is".

"Uhm, never." Is what I felt like would be the honest response. "You mean, as is as is? Like just the way I am, with all the crazy intact? No. absolutely not. I will fight till I die, I will shrink till I die, I will not "as is" for the rest of my life. I simply cannot."

Key word here, "I". I will fight I will shrink I will work I will self help I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I.

How did I ever get so far from HE. I started off over a year ago on this med free journey in complete reliance on Him and although the road was rocky here I stand. I don't know at what point I got so wrapped back up in my own ability, my own plan, my own war, that I completely failed to honestly acknowledge that I am IN HIM and need not rely on ANY of my own anything because the truth is that I have very little to contribute in the way of fixing even my smallest problems.

Not only that, but my "I" nature is complete self absorption. "What is wrong with me, how do I fix me, how can I make me better?" Now, to the world this looks really noble. It lines up so brilliantly with the "make yourself happy" way of life the media preaches to the masses. But what it is, what it really is in my relationship with God, is sin. It is its own form of vanity and arrogance. Furthermore, my unwillingness to accept my faults, my humanity, the things that allow me to recognize I am actually in NEED of God, is so effing prideful I can't even hardly stand to talk about it. And my shame. The shame I feel in my anxiety and in my obsessive nature. I am embarrassed and where is Jesus in ANY OF  THAT????

I don't know when I thought I had become so equipped to fight these enormous battles on my own, or when I decided it was up to me to make me better, because all the self control in the world can't change who I am. And who I am is a lot of things. I am not sure all the therapy in the world could fix my anxiety, fix my tendency to obsess, fix my neurosis, fix me. BUT I do know, that this man named Paul- one of the most amazing, brilliant men of all time who was GREATLY used by God had this thorn in his side. A thorn that God put there to keep him humble. And it must have sucked because he asked God three times to remove it from him. God never told Paul "no", but he responded with something so much more powerful than "yeah okay Paul," or "no" could have ever been. He told him, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness."

GUYS. This is so easy. This means "as is" in Christ is exactly what I am supposed to be. And I know somewhere deep down I already knew that and had functioned in it on and off for years now, but today this is like a revelation. Because it means I am okay. I am more than okay, I am in His image and it is only my own sin- vanity, pride, shame, idolatry, that is keeping me from being whole, content and humbled by my own "as-is-edness".

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Prodigal

I was going through boxes this morning and found this little poem. It was dated exactly a year ago.

I am the eldest
I have toiled until my hands were broken
And then continued with broken hands
I have risen with Adams rooster
Ready and willing to give time and effort
At the risk of damaging these broken hands even further
I have pushed and leaned and believed
Through days I didn't think I would last
Another minute
I have accepted responsibility
For who I am
What I know
And all that You have shown me
And I have held it and handled it
I have not cast my pearls
To pigs

I have been transparent and honest
To a fault
I have sought out
My own shortcomings
In order that I may
By grace
Correct them
I still seek
I seek and seek and seek
I fix and fix and fix
I do what I am told

I don't want my treasures
I don't want my fortune
I just don't want to feel
Like the only one
Working with broken hands
In fields only serving to do
More damage

I just want a break
And I don't want it
In the form
Of a party for my brother